Re: Me and Yoda c:

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Last night, honestly, it was the happiest she had been since the doctors had told them that they had lost Taylor. It was like a throwback in time, back to when they just started to go out. Even when they had just met, it felt as if they had known each other all their lives. They had been together forever, but every Zack kissed her, every time he smiled or laughed, Nella got butterflies. It was the best feeling in the world being with Zack and having him hold her in his arms. Every girl dreamed about having a guy like Zack when they were little, and Nella got him. Nella got her dream guy and he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. He was hers and that was what shocked her the most. How someone as perfect as him chose someone like her.

"Good morning." Nella said, with a small smile as she propped herself up on her elbow and stared into his eyes. "I love you, you know that? Don't ever forget it." She bit her lip and leaned closer, leaning her forehead against his. "I'm going to miss you so much." She moaned. "I miss falling asleep with you and having you here every night when I get home. I just got getting used to you being home and now you're leaving me again." Nella sighed and opened her eyes. "But I'm happy that none of your fans forgot about you. I bet they're siked to see you guys."

Getting up, Nella stretched, reaching her hands over her head. "Do you need help packing or anything?" She bit her lip, Nella really hoped she didn't sound to pushy. Like she was trying to get him out of the house. Honestly, she was going to cry when he left for probably an hour or two and then watch a chick flick to get over it. But, if she told Zack she didn't want him to go, he'd actually stay and he wouldn't be happy doing that.

~ ~ ~ ~~
Zack stood at the door, bag slung across his back and guitar in hand. Nella came down the stairs and walked over, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I'll miss you so, so, so, so, so, so, a million so's much, you have no idea." Nella whispered, leaning up to kiss him. "Have fun, and don't do anything too stupid." She said with a little laugh as she bit her lip. "And, one more for the road." She said, winking at him as she tangled her fingers in his brown hair and pulling him down for a long kiss. "I love you." She murmured against his lips.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I smiled, waving at Nella. Climbing into my car, I tossed my things into the back and revved the car up. Ever since the situation last time, and Nella, the guys suggested I drive my own car around just in case anything happened and I needed to go back. The tour would be one of our longest ones yet, being three months, but I was much more careful and I knew the basics of tour life. I really didn't think anything would happen to Nella, and if something did, or she needed me home, she wouldn't hesitate to call me or let me know. I knew she got weird when it came to those things, because she didn't want to hurt me, but I just hoped she knew how much I loved her. I just hoped she knew she could call whenever she needed, and, as much as I loved being on tour, I'd come home in the blink of the eye if she needed me to. I wish she didn't have to be so weird about things like that, but I guess that was just kind of who she'd always been.

I arrived at the airport a few hours later, unloading my stuff, picking up my ticket and meeting the guys at the gate. They all grinned nervously, excited to see me. They'd been off tour too, obviously, and our last show had been months ago. We hadn't practiced, either, so we'd probably be having a long rehearsal tomorrow night, when the first night of the tour was. Tonight we'd just be going to the hotel and resting up, and the next day we'd go to the venue and practice until we'd gotten it down. But the crowds at the first shows of a tour were usually understanding, and actually most of them thought it was adorable when we messed up in the middle of a song. I don't know why, but they just thought it was adorable when one of us tripped up on our words, or played a wrong note on the guitar. They'd laugh it off, and so would we, and everything would be fine. Honestly, I didn't see what we were all so worried about. We were all in for a really great tour.

Three months goes by much faster than you think it would while you're on tour. Every day we were moving, going from one hotel to the next, practicing endlessly and going to several different venues. We'd met hundreds of new fans, and some even cried for some reason. I didn't get that, either. There were so many things I'd never understand about this whole thing. We'd played at least 30 shows all over the place, and after playing almost every day for almost 90 days straight, I was tired as fuck.

My hair was poking out in all directions as we walked slowly through the airport together, lugging our bags along with us and arriving at the doors to the entrance. I groaned. "I still don't get why you guys didn't let me fix my hair or take a shower this morning, I'd woken up at a perfectly fine time. We still would've made it if I had done my hair. Now everybody's looking at me because they think I look weird."

Jeyy rolled his eyes.

We walked out into the parking lot, and I bit my lip. It had been a long three months, and I didn't know how I put up with these three for that long, but somehow we'd all made it out in one piece. Our first headliner tour, and our longest tour ever at that. All in all, I'd say it had been a success. "Bye, guys." I said, smiling. They waved, and we headed for our cars. I dug my keys out of my back pocket, unlocking the car and slipping my bags into the bag. I buckled up, pushing down the gas pedal. Even though I'd talked on the phone with Nella frequently, I was so excited to get home and see her. It had been so long.

Once I got home, I pulled my bags out of the backseat and ran into the door, dropping my bags on the floor and grinning. "Nella, I'm home!"

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Three months was a long time, but they'd get through it. This was just the beginning. A year or two from now, three months would feel like nothing. It would go by in a blink of an eye. But right now, Nella missed him like hell. For as long as they had been together, they were inseparable. They didn't have to be married or going out, Zack was Nella's best friend. He knew things about her that no one in the whole world knew, that she wouldn't let anyone else know except for him. He knew how she ate, how she laughed and smiled, even down to the way she acted when she was mad- he knew everything about her and she him. But neither of them ever thought they were good enough for each other, which was the only down side to their relationship. There were countless times that Zack had told her that he didn't deserve someone as amazing as her, and Nella would say things about how there were people so much better and why he chose her out of all people; but Zack didn't know how perfect he was. His smile. His laugh. The way he pouted when he missed out on bacon. Or how he got excited about the littlest things. Everything about him was just so damn perfect Nella didn't even know why he was hers.

A month went by, and Nella had started getting into the whole touring routine again. Calling Zack every morning asking how last night's show went and wishing him luck. Him asking her how she was doing and how her day had gone the other day and what she had planned and then constant, I miss you, no I miss you more fights. "I love you, Zack." Nella said, ending the call, sitting on the couch with a huge smile on her face. God she missed him so much and it had only been a month.

A month. Nella bit her lip and and a smile spread across her face. Most girls would be worried about missing her period for a month, scared to tell her boyfriend/husband that something went wrong last month. But, honestly? Nella couldn't have been more excited. She couldn't wait to tell Zack.

Laying back down on the couch, Nella unlocked her phone and scrolled down to the B's(Because Zack's name was babe u r we cl ome i though it wa sc ut e) and clicked on Zack's. Biting her lip, she thought against it and put her phone down. It'd be a surprised; his coming home gift. Finding out that she was pregnant and that they would have a baby again. After all, if she called him up now and told him the good news, he'd be on the next plane out of there and he was having so much fun already.

~~~

When the door opened downstairs, Nella heard Zack's voice filling the halls. Looking in the mirror one last time, smiling at the slight baby bump under her sweater, Nella ran down the stairs to meet Zack. "Zack, guess what." Nella called, excitedly as she leaned against the door frame to the living room. She bit her lip and looked down at her belly and then back up at Zack. "Surprise."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

When I looked at Nella, one thing was obvious; she had a baby bump. It was tiny, but it was there. A smile formed itself on my face involuntarily, and I ran up to her, hugging her tightly. I put my arms around her, picking her up and spinning her around, and then putting her down, kissing her for a long time, squeezing her hands. There were so many different thoughts going through my head right now, that I couldn't even decide what to say. I just stood there, smiling at her, and squeezing her hands. After a few seconds, I took her back into my arms again, hugging her tightly. "God, I missed you so much. You have no idea."

I looked down at her small bump, smiling. "Nella, how long have you known? This is amazing. I'm so happy, I'm so excited." I smiled, letting out a breath. "Damn." I ran my fingers through my hair. After months of missing Taylor, feeling empty inside, thinking of what could have been...my hope was finally restored. We would have a baby this time, we wouldn't lose it this time. No, I couldn't let that happen, no matter what. We would be a true family now, and we'd finally get to fill up that little yellow room next to ours. It wouldn't be empty anymore, the door wouldn't always be locked and we wouldn't always cry when we walked past it. Cries would come from inside of it, though, and that was what made me smile even more.

"I'm going to take off tour for the next few months, we'll still make music and we'll still record and I'll still be part of the band and stuff...but I'm going to stay here with you, through the entire thing. Even when you get super fat and you're mean to me. I'll stay here. And I'll make you food, and get you everything you need, and we can go shopping, and we can buy clothes, and we can have a baby shower for you, and it'll be so much fun." I grinned, babbling on like a little kid.

My excitement turned to concern quickly. "Were you okay while I was gone?" I chewed my lip, taking her hands. "You could've called me if you weren't feeling well or anything. Do you promise you were okay?" I looked into her eyes. I was excited, but I just worried. Because last time we had found out she was pregnant, we had gotten excited, we were happy. It was just like this (besides all of the crying). Nella had never had much of an appetite, but now, I'd have to make sure that she did. I would have to make sure she didn't skip out meals like she sometimes did, I'd have to take care of her so our baby would be healthy. I couldn't just let this go, I had to help take care of her. I hoped she'd taken care of herself while I was gone.

"Have you told anybody else yet?" My smile sprouted back on my face. "I don't mind if you did. Unless it was your dad. He hates me." I chewed my lip, looking down. "Can we not tell him until later? I mean, we'll tell him, just not until later. He'll flip shit." I hesitated. "But we should tell your mom, and my sister, and your brother, and our family and stuff, maybe if we can all get together sometime. I dunno." I shrugged. "They'll be so excited, though, I know they will." I smiled.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella squeezed Zack against her, closing her eyes as she balanced her head on his shoulder. "God dammit I missed you so much, you know that? It's not the same falling asleep without you by my side." Nella bit her lip and pulled away with a smile, "I've known for two months. I didn't tell you because..I don't know I wanted to surprise you." She shrugged and looked up at knowingly, "And I didn't want you to ask me a million questions about how I was and come home in the middle of your tour. I'm only three months pregnant right now, I'm not totally immobile. I can handle myself, at least for now anyways. And I only have a little morning sickness, that's all. It's like a hangover without the headache I guess." Standing on her tippy toes, Nella laced her arms around Zack's neck and kissed him. "I missed you, I missed you, I missed you. Have I told you how much I love you? Because I love you so fucking much it's not even funny."

Having a baby was going to be a lot of work, for the both of them. Considering their sleep schedule would be all over the place with a baby in the house waking up at ungodly hours and crying, Nella couldn't wait. Even know that they would have to change their whole lives for this baby, Nella couldn't wait. She couldn't wait to play airplane with her food, or build a snowman with her around Christmas time, or make cookies with her or drive her to school. Nella couldn't wait for everything. When they had lost Taylor, Nella thought she had lost all of that. That she would never get to be a mother, that she wasn't responsible enough to take care of another life. But, with Zack by her side, Nella knew she could do it.

"I can't wait." Nella said, shaking her head and putting her hands on her belly, "I know that she'll be a total pain in the ass at times but I can't wait. I'm so excited." Nella smiled, looking up at Zack. Rolling her eyes, she shook her head and put her hands on her hips, "I won't be mean. And I swear to god if you call me fat when I get bigger, and get closer to my due date, I will be mean. You never call a girl fat, even if she is."

Biting her lip, Nella nodded. "Yeah, I learned from last time and I've been eating all that I can." Smiling, she looked down at her belly. "I just hope that I'm eating right that all this food I'm eating is okay for her and everything." Nella bit her lip and ran her fingers through her hair, "We can't lose this one, Zack. I don't know what I'll do if we do. I can't go through that again."

"Well.." Running her fingers through her hair, she sighed. "I told my mom..and she told my dad..My dad called me the other night saying how we should meet up and all and.." Nella shook her head and looked down at her feet. "I really don't want him to be in our baby's life, Zack. I don't want to let him hurt her like he hurt me. I don't think I can handle that, I don't think I can even handle just seeing him."

Nella looked down at her belly and smiled, "I'm gunna be the best mommy to you that I can. I promise. I'll try my best."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Months went by. A baby shower, shopping, getting the babies room ready, and anticipation for when she was here. There were doctor visits, melt downs, and a lot of excitement and crying. And finally, the day they were excited, and happy for, was finally here. Their baby was going to be here in only a matter of hours. When her water broke, Zack started freaking out. He was running around the house trying to get everything they needed and trying to get Nella in the car in time. Nella just kept telling him and telling him that everything was going to be fine and that they should just go and that it was okay, but he just wanted everything to be perfect, after all, it was their first kid.

Hours went by and, finally, their baby girl was here. Although she was small, even though Nella was trying everything to make sure her baby was alright she still didn't have that big of an appetite, she was healthy.

Zack was by her side the whole time, and, Nella couldn't ask for anyone she'd rather share this experience than him. "I love you." She murmured to Zack, as she caressed their new baby girl in her arms. "She's so beautiful, and tiny." Nella said, running her thumb along her baby's cheek. "We should name her _______ if that's okay with you." Nella whispered, biting her lip. "God I just can't believe she's here, I can't believe I'm holding her in my arms. I just.." Nella stopped and shook her head with a small smile on her face. "Do you wanna hold her?" She asked, handing _______ over to Zack.

Two months later, Zack and Nella had already fell into a regular routine with _______. It was hard work, waking up at three A.M almost every morning trying to shush her back to sleep, remembering to feed her at certain times and what to feed her. Nella was exhausted. Falling back on the couch, Nella moaned and put her hands over her face. "______ woke me up three times last night. I love her so much, just, I just want five minutes of sleep, ya know?"

[ofmiceandbrynne]

After _____ had been born, Nella and I were busy 24/7. _____ woke up at least five times every night, crying, so much that we had to take turns hushing her back to sleep. We'd barely gotten any sleep at all for the past two months, and we had no time for anything else, much less any time for each other. It kind of sucked, not being able to watch a movie with Nella or just go take her out to dinner. We knew that we could always get a babysitter, but...we just couldn't. It was our first child, ya know? We couldn't let her out of our sight, we wanted to be there for every second. I probably sound like one of those creepy, overprotective dads, but I just wanted to make sure _____ was okay, and she'd grow up having a fucking amazing childhood. And, so far, I felt like we were doing a pretty good job of making sure she was okay. Although there were times I felt like giving up already, I felt like we were doing a decent job. Considering how young we were, and this was our first one, she seemed to be pretty happy.

I nodded, moving a bit closer to her and putting my arm on her thigh, closing my eyes. "I know." My lips curved into a small smile, chuckling. "I honestly can't tell you the last time I got a good night's sleep...but I love her to death," I added, resting my head on top of Nella's, "I just wish we got more time for each other, though. I mean...before she was born, though those nine months could be hell at some times, we got to spend time with each other...I mean, we could watch movies, stay up late, laughing, and going out to eat." I paused again, looking down and biting my lip. "Please don't get me wrong here, I love _____ to death and I wouldn't trade her for the world, but...I just wish we got to spend more time with each other."

I pulled her closer to me, opening my eyes and smiling down at her. "So...since _____ is asleep now...I guess now we have some alone time. Even if it's just ten, fifteen minutes...I want to make the most of it, okay? I'm going to make up what we've been missing for these past two months." I lifted her up, putting her in my lap and wrapping her legs around my waist. Putting my arms around her waist, I crashed my lips against hers, moaning softly to myself. God dammit, I missed this so much. I ran my tongue slowly along her bottom lip, teasingly, pulling away for a moment and chuckling to myself. I went in again for another kiss, playing with her hair and pulling her closer to me.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Even though Nella was so tired, that she was to tired to make dinner, to tired to carry on a conversation, and to tired to just to anything for that matter, she loved Maria. Just knowing that her and Zack had brought something as beautiful as her into this world made up for all those lost hours of sleep. Hearing her laugh, god it was the sweetest thing she had ever heard, and seeing her smile, it was just like Zack's. When she grew up, Nella knew that Zack was going to be so over protective of her. He wasn't going to let just any guy take her away from them, and Nella knew that Zack would embarrass the hell out of her. There would be so many I hate you's and they would cry over how fast their baby girl had grown up. But she would always be their little girl no matter what.

As much as she loved Maria, she didn't want to have another kid anytime soon. Right now, having Maria was enough for them- even a little more than they could handle at times. But Nella and Zack had gotten through so much shit that they would be able to get through this if they just stuck together.

Nella pulled away from Zack's lips and leaned her forehead against his, closing her eyes and biting her lip. As much as she loved him, as much as she wanted to be with him right now, she couldn't Nella was just to tired. However, it just wasn't because she was tired, she was afraid of getting pregnant again. They just couldn't handle another kid, at least, not right now.

"Zack.." Nella started, but he just kept kissing her again and again and Nella was just melting like butter in his arms. She wanted to do this with him, she wanted to kiss him even if Maria was just going to start crying two minutes later, she wanted him to tangle his fingers in her hair and fall back on the couch and just kiss him until her lips hurt and watch horror movies with him, but she couldn't. Zack's fingers were under her shirt tugging it up. "Stop." She whispered, pushing his hand away and opening her eyes. "I can't do this right now...I'm not ready to..be doing this again." Nella moaned and crawled out of his lap, running her fingers through her hair. "I'm just to tired, and just.." Nella shook her head. "I love you, it's not that I don't love you, I do. I'm just, I'm sorry, I can't do this right now." Nella bit her lip and looked down. She knew she had disappointed him, just seeing the way he smiled when they realized they finally had time to themselves, that they would have the chance to just cuddle on the couch, to kiss, or to watch a movie, and Nella had just said no that she couldn't do it. Zack was her husband and he had done so much for him and she was so disappointed that she couldn't do this for him, after all the stress they had been over the past couple of months. Nella just hoped that he understood.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I chewed my lip, looking down at my fingers. So that was how it worked. I didn't realize that, I didn't realize that after Maria got here, Nella wouldn't want to do the things we used to. She didn't want to lay with me, she didn't want to do anything. All of her time was getting devoted to Maria, and when I wanted to be with Nella, she would just say she was too tired. Shit, I was jealous of my own daughter. She was getting even more attention than I was. I mean, I realized she was a newborn, and newborns needed a lot of attention - but so did I. I wanted to feel loved, as loved as I felt through Nella's pregnancy, as loved as I felt even before that. After Maria was born, I just felt like all that love disappeared. Like Nella didn't really want to be around me much at all. I tried to think of what I'd done wrong.

I looked up at her, staring into her eyes. I ran my fingers through my messy brown hair, sighing and shoving my hands in my pockets. "Right...sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought.." I shook my head, letting my hair fall into my eyes. No, I'd better shut up. I didn't need to explain myself, I just needed her to know that I had realized that I'd upset her, and that was definitely the last thing I wanted to do. Maybe she just didn't want me around, and she was too nervous to tell me. I didn't mind getting the hell out of there...all she needed to do was tell me.

I stood up. "I'm going to go pick up some dinner so you don't have to cook tonight, okay?" I grabbed my phone from the kitchen counter, slipping on my jacket. The truth was...I wasn't going to pick up dinner. I was going to go to Jeyy's house. I was going to stay there, to give Nella a break. I didn't want to be around if it upset her. I really didn't want to make her upset. Maybe what she needed was some alone time. I wouldn't tell her I was leaving, I'd just tell her when I got back in a few days that I knew she needed a break. And it would be fine, and then maybe we could have sexy times again. c; It was a pretty good plan if you asked me.

I walked out of the door, getting into my car and turning it on. I bit my lip. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. She might yell at me when I got back, and...I didn't want her to be angry at me. I was beginning to question myself. Maybe I should just go get dinner, and then maybe she'd want to kiss me or sit with me on the couch while Maria slept. But, turning on the ignition, I knew that wasn't what she'd want to do. She'd want to go to sleep, or go take a shower. She wouldn't want to lay down with me. She didn't have time for me anymore, she didn't care about me anymore. I doubted she'd even wonder where I was, actually.

Fighting back tears, I drove over to Jeyy's house. I knocked on the door, and he answered, not surprised to see me.

"Hey Zack, what's up?" He asked, running his fingers through his hair.

I shrugged. "Nella doesn't want me in the house, I figured I'd stay here for a few days until she wasn't as annoyed with me I guess." He smiled, patting me on the back.

"Caroline gets pissed at me all the time, it's understandable." I smiled, walking inside and sitting down on the couch.

"Hey, I'm going to go back upstairs, Caroline wants me to help her plan for the wedding." He rolled his eyes. "It's just kind of like, 'Shit, why can't we just drop everything and go get hitched in Vegas tomorrow?' But, you know her, she'd never do that. She wants something with our families and shit. And color cordinated stuff. It's so boring. But, if you need anything, let me know, okay?" He smiled. I nodded, mumbling a small word of 'thanks' and sitting back on the couch.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

After Zack walked out the door, Nella groaned and buried her face in her hands, pulling her legs up to her chest. He never asked her to do anything for him, he was always so linnet of her and did everything she wanted without asking anything in return. And the one time he wanted to do something, the one time he asked he for something, she turned him down. What happened to loyalty?

It wasn't even that, it wasn't even for him, wholly, either. Zack had been thinking for the both of them, that they both wanted it. Truth be told, Nella did want to sit there and kiss Zack like she didn't have any care in the world. But, she couldn't Maria was upstairs sound asleep in her bed, she was only two months old and by the time she was almost a year old, Nella didn't want her to have a little baby brother or sister in a bed next to her. She just couldn't risk it.

Was she selfish? Was she selfish for rejecting him like that? For saying no? Sure, she was tired, but, it wasn't like she was doing something she didn't want to do. Surely if she told Zack she was afraid of getting pregnant again he would have understood and assured her that they were doing everything they could possibly do to make sure that didn't happen again, but she didn't. She didn't tell Zack.

Laying back down on the couch, Nella pulled a blanket over her and closed her eyes. When Zack got back from the store, Nella would say sorry and talk to him about it. Maybe they could cuddle on the couch and watch Invader Zim, or kiss a little listening to their favorite bands. After all, she only needed five or ten minutes of sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An hour late, Nella woke up to the cries of Maria upstairs and she groaned. Throwing the blanket off of her, she trudged up the stairs, holding on to the railing so she wouldn't fall. "Shh, Shh.." Nella cooed, picking Maria up out of her crib and rocking her back and forth. "It's okay, mommy's here, it's okay."

Eventually, Nella got Maria back to sleep and she walked back down the stairs. That's when she saw the clock. It was almost seven and Zack still wasn't home. Scrunching her eyebrows together, she picked her phone up off the couch and checked to see if he called or if he texted her telling her that there was a change of plans that he had run into Jeyy at the supermarket, or that they were going to have band practice or something like that.

Nothing.

That was when Nella started getting nervous. What if something happened to him? Or, Maybe he was mad at her because of what happened so he went out and...

No, Zack would never do that. Not after they had a baby, not after what happened with Kellan(omg is that her name i forget). He wouldn't do that, not again. But right now, Nella didn't know what Zack would do, or where he was and that was what scared her the most. Just one simple no could have thrown everything off course again just when they thought they had finally gotten their lives in place for once.

Clicking on his contact, Nella hit the call button.

Ring, Ring, Ring. 'You have reached the voice messaging box of, 'Zack'"

Shaking her head, Nella hung up and bit her lip. She calling him again and she got his voicemail.

"Listen, Zack. I don't know what's going on with us or why you're not home.." Nella gave a strained laugh and ran her fingers through her hair, "But I'm really scared because now I think I did something wrong and now you're not picking up and I'm sorry for what happened today. Maria just really takes a lot out of me, you know? And I just really want you to com-" The voicemail beeped and the recording stopped.

Sitting back down on the couch, Nella could feel the tears building up in her eyes. "Shit, shit, shit." To make things even worse, Maria started crying again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Fast foward Niqqas~~)

Two days later, Nella still hadn't heard from Zack and she started getting worried. He wouldn't just walk out on her, not when they just had a baby, not after everything they had been through. Zack had sworn to her and to himself that he would never be like his dad, that he was actually going to be there for his baby and he wouldn't just give that up for something as silly as this.

Calling Zack once more, for what seemed like the hundredth time, she got his voicemail, again. "Zack, just, I can't, you need to come home. Maria misses you, I miss you and-"
'You have exceeded the total amount of recording time.'
She had filled up his voice mail box with sobs, and cries and begs to come home.

The scary part was, she didn't know if they were over.
She didn't know where he was.
She didn't know if he was coming back.
She didn't know if he missed her.
It was scary.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

It had been two days since I'd left the house, but honestly...it felt like an eternity. And, what was worse, she'd been leaving me countless messages. It made me rethink everything I'd done, it made me want to go back...but I was scared, honestly. Scared she would hate me, scared she wouldn't want me anymore. Maybe she'd tell me that I was a terrible father, and she could raise Maria on her own. What if, when I went back, she wasn't using that sad, crying voice, but actually screaming at me and telling me to leave the house? I couldn't bear that thought. I'd have nowhere to go. Storm would never let me live with her, and Cameron wouldn't want me there, either. I would just be another burden. Jeyy wouldn't want me, either. Well, Jeyy wouldn't mind me being there, but Caroline would get upset with me staying there. Really, no matter what I did, I'd have nowhere to go. If I went back to Nella, she'd kick me out for being a douche, and if I stayed at Jeyy's...well, it was only a matter of time before Caroline forced him to kick me out of the house. I was stuck.

But...knowing how much I was hurting Nella...I knew I had to go back to her, no matter how mad she got at me. I could handle a few angry words. I knew I could. I had put up with it so many times, sometimes I wondered how I still had her. Honestly, if I were her, I'd leave me and go marry a guy who wouldn't fuck up her life as much as I did. She'd probably be happier with another guy, another guy that didn't put her through this shit. Sometimes, I even asked myself why I hadn't left her so she could be happier. And, what I'd done this weekend, I knew she'd never be as happy as she was with me. I had to stick with her, and she had to stick with me.

So, on that cloudly Sunday afternoon, I left Jeyy's house without saying goodbye. I grabbed my jacket and my phone, getting in the car and driving over to our house. I chewed my lip, pulling up to the house I'd been living in for as long as I could remember. As much as I didn't want to go into this house right now, I knew I had to. I knew I had to go in and apologize to Nella, and hope she'd tell me it was okay. Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't...but that was the chance I had to take.

I got out of the car, slamming the door behind me and trudging up to the door. I wondered how mad she'd be at me, how much she'd yell at me. I wondered if she'd kick me out of the house and keep Maria. Or maybe she'd cry, and tell me how glad she was to have me back. Honestly, I had no idea what would happen, but I loved her so much that I just needed to tell her that I was sorry...and that I loved her more than anything in the world.

I walked to the door, slowly opening it and creeping inside in case Maria was asleep. I chewed my lip, closing the door quietly behind me and looking around. "Nella?" I called out.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

All her life, people had walked out on her. Her father, her mother, Aaron, her friends. Everyone. The only person who didn't walk away, the only person who stuck her through all the shit they had been through, the only person who didn't care how fucked up she was or how much shit she caused him, was Zack and watching him walk out that door the other day, it cracked her. Maybe he was like everyone else, maybe all those times he told her 'forever' or 'I'll never leave you' or 'I'll always be here' he was lying. Maybe he was only telling her what she wanted to here.

Nella peered in at the sleeping Maria and gave a small smile. It didn't just upset her that Zack walked out on her, he walked out on Maria too. Both of them didn't have the best parents. Hell, Zack and Storm practically raised themselves. Her parents, they were there, but it wasn't like they were really there. Before they started trying to have Maria, they promised each other that they wouldn't be anything like their parents. Sure, they wouldn't be star parents and they would mess up a lot, after all this was their first kid, but they would never even think of being anything like their parents.

But here Zack was, walking out without telling her where he was going, not coming pack, or answering any of her calls. Nella was starting to think, maybe, after all, he didn't want to have a kid.

An hour later, Nella heard the door open. Getting out of the chair that was placed right next to Maria's crib, she walked towards the door, quietly closing the door behind her.

"Zack?"

Nella called out, biting her lip. Walking down the stairs, slowly, Nella saw him, standing at the door and she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. There he was, his hair a mess and a five o'clock shadow starting to sprout across his face.(Hello i don't know he's growing a depression mustache until Rian comes home)

"I didn't think you weren't going to come back." She admitted, crossing her arms and looking down. "I was scared you weren't going to come back. That...that was the last time I was going to see you, that Maria wasn't going to see you again." Nella ran her fingers through her hair, with a little laugh, "I probably sound crazy, I mean you were only gone for two days but..you scared the living hell out of me and.." Nella sighed and looked down, "I guess I'm just over reacting but you know how that makes me feel. After all the people in my life that walked out on me. I thought you were different, Zack. You promised me that you would never do that to me. You promised but you did."

Walking over to Zack, Nella looked up at him and shook her head. "I can't believe you did that to me." She whispered, "I can't believe you put me through that. Not answering your phone, not coming home...god you don't know how worried I was. God dammit. I'm a wreck." She mumbled, laughing again and looking down, "I just." Nella looked up and raised her hand to slap him across the face, maybe it would knock some sense into him(omg what.). But she didn't, instead, Nella took Zack's face in her hands and looked him in the eye. "God dammit, no matter how much you make me hate you, god I fucking hate you right now, but you have no idea how much I love you."

Leaning closer to him, Nella pressed her lips against Zack, lacing her arms around his neck.

"I'm sorry, Zack." She mumbled against his lips. "I'm so sorry. I should have been paying attention to you and I wasn't. I just..I have a lot on my mind with Maria in the house and I'm sorry." Nella kissed him again, tangling her fingers in his brown hai and moaning to herself.

Pulling away, Nella looked into his eyes, her fingers still curled in his hair, "Could you forgive me..?"

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I looked down at her, chewing my lip and wrapping my arms around her waist. I couldn't believe she'd been that worried, of all things. I thought she wouldn't care when I came back, she'd just call out a word of hello and continue rocking Maria to sleep. But now that I'd come back..I'd realized how much I'd hurt her. And that was the thing I was trying to prevent by leaving her behind...dammit, this was confusing. But, she was kissing me and telling me she was sorry...so that had to be a good sign, right? She couldn't be that mad. She had to be a little bit mad, obviously, but if she was really that mad she'd be giving me the silent treatment or something.

I shook my head, letting my hair fall into my eyes and pressing my lips together for a moment before speaking. "N-no...you don't have to be sorry for anything, it's me that should be sorry." I chewed on my bottom lip, looking down at her and sighing. "I just...I'm a jealous little whore, and you should know that already." I chuckled, scratching the back of my head. "But...I shouldn't have left. That was a fucking terrible move on my part, and I didn't realize how much I had really hurt you because of that until it was already too late. Nella...I love you to death and just know that nothing could ever fucking make me stop from loving you." I placed a long, passionate kiss on her lips, pulling away and then looking into her eyes. "I. Love. You." With each word, I placed a tiny kiss on her forehead. "Don't you ever fucking forget that, okay? No matter how much shit I put you through, no matter how much shit we put each other through, nothing could ever make me stop loving you." I pulled her close to me, hugging her and murmuring, "I'm sorry" into her hair over and over again.

After standing there for a few minutes, I picked her up, wrapping her legs around my waist and carrying her into the living room. This could turn into exactly what last time was, but maybe...maybe Nella would want to just spend time with me now. I missed the times we spent together, I wish she could realize how much I loved her. Because I felt like I didn't show her enough anymore.

I ran my fingers up her back, putting her down and pressing her against the wall. I pressed my lips against hers, hard, and moaned softly to myself. I pulled away, pressing my forehead against hers and shutting my eyes. "Dammit, Nella, I can't tell you how much I miss when we just got to make out on the couch. When we had time for it. I love Maria, but I just wish we got to do it as much as we used to, y'know?" I pulled her closer to me, kissing her once again and knotting my fingers in her long, dark brown hair. "I'll only forgive you under one condition...that we get to make up for all those sexy times we missed out on since we had Maria." I growled, smirking to myself.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Looking up at Zack, Nella bit her lip and and laced her arms around Zack. "Can just just promise me something?" She asked, looking up into his eyes. "I know I can be a total bitch and fuck everything up, but I need you to promise me something. That no matter what happens you wont leave like that again. It was only for two days, but those were the worst two days ever. It was even worse than Kellan. Or when we broke up that one time. Because I knew that at the end of the day you would come home and tell me how much you loved me and everything would be okay." Laughing, Nella wiped a few tears that made their way out of her eyes. God dammit, why did she always have to be such a crier? She was always so dramatic.

"But this time..." Nella started again. "I didn't know if you were going to come back. I didn't know if I was ever going to talk to you again and I was scared that I had to raise Maria on my own." Nella bit her lip and looked down letting her hair fall into her eyes. "I'm a wreck without you." She admitted, laughing a bit. "I wish I could be more like you. Not fall apart after life throws something new at me. God.." She shook her head looking up at him, "I love you, Zack. Forever, right?" Cupping his face in her hands, Nella pressed her lips gently against his.

"I love you so god damn much." She whispered, hooking her finger in the collar of his shirt and tugging him closer to her.(holler at me)

Looking up at Zack, she gave a small smile, "You don't think I miss that too? God, sometimes I wish I could put my life on pause and just go back to everything we used to be able to do. Don't get me wrong, I love Maria and I wouldn't trade her for anything, but god...I just miss waking up at noon and not having a care in the world. I miss just spending time with you. Just falling asleep on the couch and waking up in your arms and coming home late from a party and not making it upstairs before we start making out and ending up on the couch." Nella bit her lip and looked up at Zack, "I can't believe you didn't think I missed that too."

Hooking her finger int he waistband of his jeans, Nella tugged him closer to her with a smirk on her lips. "Well, I just put Maria down for a nap before you came home. She should be asleep for an hour or two if we're lucky." Biting her lip, Nella laced her arms around Zack's neck and pressed her lips against his, smiling under the kiss. "I love you." She mummered, her fingers slowly un-doing the buttons on his shirt.

you're welcome.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I laid on the couch, my eyes shut, running my fingers up and down Nella's back as she lay on my bare chest. I kissed her head, sighing softly to myself. "God, I missed that." I mumbled, chuckling to myself and ruffling her hair slightly. We laid there for a long time, her in my arms, relaxing. It was just like old times, and honestly, sometimes I did wish that it was back to this sometimes. I loved Maria with everything in me, but...I always just missed the times Nella and I could do what we want and not have to worry about our baby waking up or having to remember to feed her. She was a load of work for someone so tiny.

Speaking of Maria, suddenly, she began to cry. I started to get up, but Nella shook her head and smiled at me, getting up. A silent gesture. She stood up, stretching and went upstairs, and within a few moments, the crying stopped. I laid on the couch, running my fingers through my messy hair and sighing. I closed my eyes, about to drift off, when suddenly, the house phone began to ring. Maria began to cry again because of the noise, and I ran to get the phone. I sighed before picking it up, not in the mood to be talking to anybody right now, but I knew I had to once I saw who it was.

"Shit." I mumbled. It was Nella's dad. What could he possibly want? I picked it up, pinching the skin on the bridge of my noise and sighing, so it was obvious I wasn't happy to be talking to him. "What the hell do you want?" He snickered on the other end of the line.

"Well, Nella's mother told me you two had a child recently." He paused. Oh, shit. He knew. Why would Nella's mom tell him? She had told us he didn't have to know if we didn't want him to. But that was certainly the least of my worries right now. "And, since Cindy ((omfg i think that was her name)) and myself aren't busy, we decided we'd come to your house to come visit you three in two weeks." He chuckled, knowing that we obviously didn't want him to come.

"No, you're not welcome here. And neither is that little slut Cindy." I said. I never really talked this rudely to someone, but if it was someone who had hurt Nella, I had learned that I kind of had to. I had to make it clear that we didn't want him here.

"Excuse me?" he growled. "But Nella is my daughter, and your daughter is my grandchild. I have as much of a right to be in her life as you do. And so does my girlfriend, Cindy, who is most certainly not a 'little slut.'"

"I don't give a fuck if you think you deserve to be a part of Maria's life, because as her father, I won't allow it. Besides, if you can't even have an active part in your own daughter's life, then how can we expect you to have an active part in your grandchild's?" I said harshly, gritting my teeth.

He sighed roughly, obviously out of things to say. "Two weeks." He growled, then hung up the phone. I shut my eyes. No, this couldn't be happening. He couldn't come here, no, he wouldn't come here. I wouldn't let him. And, even if he still granted himself permission to come visit, I wouldn't let him stay. Maybe he could see Maria, but I would never allow him to lay a finger on my daughter. Not after all the things he did to hurt Nella and her mother. I just wouldn't tell Nella that he was coming. He was probably just bluffing, anyway. And, even if he wasn't, Nella wouldn't be surprised if he just showed up. Besides, we both knew he would show up eventually, and it wouldn't be much of a surprise to her.

Suddenly, Nella came down the steps, cradling Maria in her arms. I smiled, trying to look as normal as possible. She asked who had been on the phone, and I tried my best not to let all of the color drain from my face. "Oh, well...it was just Jeyy. I'd left my jacket behind at his house."

[bokangavemeabeauner]

It had been two weeks.
Two weeks since Zack had walked out on her, two weeks since he came back, two weeks since they made up.
A lot can change in two weeks.

Nella ran her fingers through her hair and snuggled closer to Zack's bare chest with a sigh. "I love you." She mumbled with a slight smile as she traced a heart on his chest(that sounded cheesy but hello i am like the next Shakespeare so shut up).

Even though Maria still needed a lot of work, she had stopped waking up in the middle of the night. It had gotten to the point where she would sleep all through the night and her and Zack actually got a good amount of sleep. Sleep they hadn't had in a long time. On top of that, they also did have a lot of time alone, time to themselves, time that Zack referred to as 'Sexy Times' because Zack is a faggot.(ur welcome)

Getting up, Nella stretched with a yawn and looked down at Zack, "I'm going to go take a shower, can you check on Maria for me? She's really quite, usually by this time she's whining because she's hungry." Nella gave a small smile and headed into the bathroom where she stripped down out of her clothes and did the stuff you're supposed to do in the shower because I don't feel like explaining it.

As she got out of the shower, Nella grabbed a towel and dried her hair. Something about today seemed kind of...off. Everything around the house was quiet. It was calm.

Walking back to their room, Nella changed into a pair of black skinny jeans and a sweater Zack had gotten her for her birthday a year ago.

As she slipped the sweater on, the doorbell rang and Zack instantly called to her that he was going to get it. Ever since he came back, he was extremely jumpy about answering the door, or answering the phone. Maybe something happened those two days he had gone. But, Nella didn't want to ask him about it. They had just gotten over a fight and she wasn't going to just ruin everything, again, and start another one.

"Who's at the door?" Nella called down the stairs and she looked in the mirror, pulling her hair up into a pony-tail. Zack called back, 'No one.' And Nella scrunched her eyebrows and walked out of their room and down the stairs. "Zack who was at the door?" She asked again.

As she got to the bottom of the stair case, she stopped cold in her steps and stared at the man in the door. It was her father, and guess who was right beside him? Cindy. God, Nella hated Cindy. She didn't even know why her father had left her mother for someone like her. Hell, she was only a couple years older than her. It was disgusting. What hurt the most, though, was that he didn't even give a reason for why he left them. The only reason they got was that he found someone new and wanted a divorce- not to mention for Nella to move to California with him.

"Why the fuck are you here?" Nella asked in a small voice as she walked towards the door, standing behind Zack and reaching for his hand. "I thought I made it perfectly clear the last time I saw you, that I wanted that to be the last time I saw you. What gives you the right to show up at my house, on my doorstep with her? What gives you the right to just show up out of no where, without a reason or a call. I told you I didn't want to see you and you made it perfectly clear that you didn't want anything to do with me either."

Giving her a smirk, Nella's dad pushed his way into their house, Cindy following close behind like a lost puppy dog. "I did call, in fact, I spoke to your husband about coming here to see my granddaughter. What was her name again?" He asked, looking over at Zack. "Maria? A really pretty name, I bet she's really pretty if she looks anything like my daughter." He said with a smile as he turned to Nella. "So where is she?"

Nella looked over at Zack and then at her dad. "I'm not letting you see her, I'm not letting you see my baby. And if you think you can just show up here out of the blue without calling, because no you didn't call. Zack would have told me if you did. Get out of my house. Right now."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I looked down while the two fought, playing with my fingers. I couldn't bear the thought that Nella thought I would've told her if he was coming...but she was under enough stress at that point, I just thought...ugh, fuck. Everything I do just messes things up, and if I lied about lying to her...well, she'd never know, but it'd be on my own conscience. I'd lied to her so much, but each time it had been for her own good. Just so she wouldn't freak out, so she wouldn't be afraid, or stressed out. But each time, it came back and hit me in the face. It made me think, that maybe I should just start giving her the cold, hard truth, no matter how much it might hurt her. But, in that moment, I knew I could never do that.

Finally, I looked up, interrupting the two. "Nella, he did call. I just..." I stammered. "Nella, I didn't want to scare you. Or stress you out. You were...you were already stressed out from me leaving, that I didn't think you needed to know about this. I thought it would scare you and I didn't want you to be scared." I chewed my bottom lip, looking at her, and then looking back down. She was going to be so upset, but I'd just have to put up with it, I guess. Maybe she'd understand.

Then the fighting erupted all over again. I grabbed my coat from the rack by the door, which made both of them silence. "Since you came here, I guess I'm going to have to go get some extra food for dinner." I mumbled, opening the door. "Nella, babe, I'll be back. Don't go insane, okay?" I blew her a kiss, and walked out the door. Strangely enough, Nella's dad followed me. I glanced over at him, raising an eyebrow. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" I asked.

"Well, since my daughter doesn't appear to be in the mood for visitors right now, we've decided we'll go to our hotel and have some time to ourselves. Because I am a considerate father, and I respect my daughter's wishes." He said, heading out to his car, with Cindy by his side. I almost broke out laughing. I wanted to say, If you respected her wishes, you'd get the fuck out of here and go back to California. But I didn't, because he would probably slap me.

I rolled my eyes. "Good riddance." I got into my car, and drove to the grocery store, picking out food for our dinner. Besides, I had no idea when they'd be coming back, so it'd be best if I was ready for them, whether they came for dinner or not. Either way, I figured Nella needed some time all by herself.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I chewed my lip, looking up at him and letting my hair fall into my face. I put my arms around him, closing my eyes and putting my head on my shoulder. This was really it. I thought that when I told him goodbye two years ago, that would be it. But...when I saw him in that cafe, and I figured out it didn't have to be the last time...I realized...I loved him more than anything in the world. I was trying to trick myself into thinking that I was really happy when I wasn't. And that sucked.

And now I'd done something I'd regret later. God, I felt so guilty. If Cameron found out...he'd be so upset. Alesana would grow up without her mom, and whenever she'd ask Cameron where I'd gone...he'd have to tell her the same freaking story every time. "She left when you were younger, sweetie. But it's okay now, I promised her I'd take care of you no matter what happened." And then he'd smile softly and hug her, and distract her by offering her a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Eventually, her mind would drift away from the thought that I was gone, and I wasn't coming back. It would be reality for her that her mom wasn't there. And as much as I wanted to be with Christian...I couldn't do that to Alesana. I just couldn't. Before I knew it, I would forget about Christian for good. Maybe sometimes I'd hear from Nella that he'd found somebody to spend his life with, maybe I'd hear from her that he'd been following his dreams and he was living his life. And I'd just spend the rest of my life, dissatisfied, wishing I hadn't left...

Dammit, maybe I shouldn't have ever come over to see him in the first place. I'd just messed everything up for myself.

I looked up at him. "I-I'm sorry." I choked out, biting my lip and looking down. I looked up at him, opening my mouth to say something else, but hesitantly stopped myself. No, don't say anything else. You'll just mess it all up, even more than it already was. You'd just mess it all up. I shook my head, walking away. "Just...don't forget me, okay?" I held in a tear as I walked out of his apartment, getting into my car and sitting there for a moment, numbly.

I'd really done it. That was the last time I'd ever see Christian.

I went home, walking in the door and faking a smile. "Hey, babe, I'm home." I said, trying to keep my voice from cracking. You dirty little liar, you don't love him. You don't love Cameron, just face it. He stood at the top of the stairs, cradling Alesana. He looked down at me, smiling softly.

"So, how was your day?" He asked, going down the stairs slowly, careful not to drop Alesana. He handed our sleepy daughter to me, and her eyes popped open, looking up at me, cooing. I cradled her, looking up at him and smiling back.

"It was great, how was your daddy daughter day?" I asked.

"Great," He said, smiling down at me. He cradled my face in his hands and pecked my lips softly. "You're so damn adorable, you know that?" He murmured.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

After everyone left, Nella broke down in tears- again. God, why did things always have to go wrong? Why couldn't things actually go right for her?

Running her fingers through her hair, Nella took a deep, shaky breath, looking at the door. Part of her didn't want Zack to come back this time. After he didn't tell her her dad had called, after he knew he was coming and didn't warn her, she kind of felt betrayed. It just felt like one big lie. Zack knew how much she hated him, how much he hurt her, and he didn't tell her? And if he called, then why didn't Zack try to stop him? All these questions were swarming through Nella's head and she couldn't handle it.

Nella got up off the floor and trudged up the stores, Maria's cries spilled out of her yellow room and she put her hands over her head. "Shut up.." She whispered, shutting her eyes as she got to the top of the stairs, "Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!" She screamed, getting louder with each word. "God, why don't you ever stop crying? I don't even know why I ever wanted a fucking kid." Nella walked into Maria's room and looked down into her crib at the screaming baby. Her baby. The baby that only wanted to be held and told that it was going to be okay and lulled back into sleep. Shaking her head, Nella put her head in her hands and started to cry again. "Shut up, please shut up."

Walking out of the room, Nella closed the door behind her, the cries only getting softened a little. "I hate her." Nella whispered, dragging her back down the door and sitting on the floor, bringing her knees up to her chest. "God dammit, I didn't even want kids. I never wanted to be a house wife. I actually wanted to go somewhere with my life." Biting her lip, Nella stood up, walking into her and Zack's room. "I trusted him. I trusted him and the one time I need him o tell me something, he lies to me about. He lied to me. About my fucking father. You have no idea about all the shit he put me through."

Nella opened the drawer of her night side table and drug through all the stuff that had piled up over time. Eventually, she found what she was looking for. Her old friend. A razor blade. Nella picked it up and held it in her hand, looking at it for a few minutes. Even after Zack had found out about her self-harming, she never really stopped, she just found better ways of hiding it. Nothing really god better, anyways. Whenever she looked in the mirror, she always saw the same old girl. The same old fucking girl.

Going into the bathroom, Nella locked the door behind her and placed the blade on the sink and looked into the mirror. Her makeup was running down her cheeks, her eyes a puffy red from the tears, Nella shook her head and looked down in the sink. If anyone knew what was going on in her head, they would be terrified, scared, shocked. Fuck, Zack didn't even know. When he was gone it was worse than it was with him. When he was here, she was kept at bay and she was actually...happy for once, those thoughts were pushed away until he left or she was left alone. But when he was gone, she had more time to think, more time to analyze everything and pick out every flaw about herself and every flaw about her life and everything she regretted and could change. Just, everything.

Nella stripped out of her clothes down to her underwear and bra. It was actually kind of a surprise that Zack hadn't noticed, then again, over the past couple of months they hadn't really been together together in that way either. Nella had scar after scar on her legs. Some were just that- white old scars from long ago, some were a fading red probably a few days old.

Taking the blade, Nella dragged it across the scared skin. It was actually kind of hard to make actual damage due to the amount of scar tissue that had formed, but she did. Her thighs looked like a battle field. They were gross. Disgusting. Disappointing to anyone who had the misfortune to see. And they were Nella's little secret.

Pulling her hair up into a pony-tail, she looked into the mirror. "He hates you, she hates you, everyone hates you. Your dad walked out on you because you were a mistake. You can't do anything right. You were such a disappointment to them. Zack walked out on you because," Nella chuckled and looked down before looking up again, "Look at you. He probably feels bad for you." Nella bit her lip, "Maria will grow up to hate you and when she'll move out, you're the last person she'd want to see."

Nella stared into the mirror for a long time before she opened it up and took a few bottles from it's contents.

Filling up the bathtub, Nella dumped a bottle of pills out in her hand and closed her eye, "Bottom's up" She whispered as she dumped them into her mouth. Grabbing another bottle, she did the same, cleaning both of them dry before she got into the bathtub. The water quickly changing a reddish color from the blood on her thighs. Nella didn't know why she hadn't done this sooner. It felt so good to know you were slipping away, even if it was just a little by little.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Christian watched her leave, biting her lip.

Go after her what are you doing? Just go after her you idiot, you know you love her. How can you just watch her leave again? You can't lose her again, Christian. Just go the fuck after her.
Even though he was having a mental-battle with himself and he was just itching to press his lips against hers, to run his fingers through her hair and pull her back into his arms and promise to never let her go again, his feet stayed glued to the floor.
She has a daughter, Christian.
He reminded himself, looking down and letting his hair fall into his eyes.
A great ass guy, a better guy then you will ever be as a fiance and she's happy. She doesn't want you. This isn't right. She's no good for you and you're certainly no good for her. Just give her up already. You guys were done along time ago.

After Storm walked out the door and he heard her car drove off, Christian paced his apartment, murmuring to himself how he should have gone after her, how he should have kissed her one more time or just admitted that he loved her. Murmuring on about how he couldn't do that, how he would just fuck her over all over again and that it wouldn't work out.

"Dammit!" He shouted, throwing his fist into the wall, instantly pulling his hand back and flexing his fingers. "Shit.." He muttered, caressing his injured hand.(Get over yourself it's probably just a broken nail om g)

Christian threw on a shirt and walked out the door, the cold night air nipping at his skin and blowing through his hair.
I have to get my mind off of her. I just, I have to get my mind off of her.

Getting into his car, Christian turned the music up high and drove to the nearest bar. Drunk girls were the easiest to get with. God damn, he just couldn't think about Storm right now, he couldn't.

Walking in, he saw so many girls that he would have instantly went to. He instantly would try to woo(omg I said woo om g fancy r=ight?) But, none of them were Storm. None of them had that same smile, that same laugh. None of them would make him laugh the same way as she did, or make him happy or make him feel the same way she did. God, why did he have to let her go so long ago? Only if he had tried harder. Maybe if he told her that he loved her more, or told her how beautiful she was more, they wouldn't be in this situation.

Walked over to a blonde girl with a group of friends at a table, Christian put on a devilish grin as he sat down next to her. "Hello ladies."

And it was as easy as that. Never mind his reputation, girls fell over him time after time no matter how horrible the stories they heard about him. Want to know why? They always thought they would be the girl that would change him. That maybe one day he would fall in love with them. But there was only one girl who could do that, one girl that did. That was Storm. And he lost her. Christian didn't deserve anyone to love him like she did, after all, in the end, he would always end up hurting her.

Christian smiled at the blonde girl, moving closer to her. A red blush flowered across her cheeks and Christian cupped her face in his hands and pulled her in for a kiss. He kissed her hard and long, trying to wash Storm out of his mouth.

But, as he kissed her, all he could think about was, she wasn't Storm. He wished it was Storm. But it wasn't. "I'm sorry." He mumbled, pulling away and looking into the girls eyes. She seemed kind of dazed and tried going in for more. "I'm sorry," He said again, standing up, "I have to go."

Walking out of the bar, Christian ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head.

Pulling out his phone, he dialed her number. Of course, getting her voicemail. "Storm.." He started, biting his lip, "Storm, I lied. I can't do this. I can't..I just can't live without you, not again. I need you, I love you and if you feel the same way too, which I'm pretty sure you do, meet me tomorrow at my apartment."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I walked out of the grocery store, lugging bags of pasta and spaghetti sauce. I hoped Cindy and Nella's father would like it, because honestly it was one of the only things I could make. Being a guy who toured a lot, our managers usually made food for us. The simplest things were the best things for us, so most of my meals were either a sandwich or fast food. Maybe not the healthiest, but when you were on the road, it didn't really matter, as long as you were eating. "Hopefully I remember how to cook this shit." I murmured. Could you even burn noodles? I wasn't sure. But it wasn't really my main concern, as long as I made food. Honestly, I wouldn't care of the two of them fucking choked on the spaghetti after the way they had treated us.

I loaded the groceries into the trunk, getting into the car and powering up the engine. Driving home, I hoped that Nella's father and Cindy hadn't gotten back yet. Thankfully, once I pulled into the driveway, I realized that they hadn't. Now I'd have some time to explain myself to Nella, because knowing her, she'd probably be fucking pissed at me. I mean, not that I wasn't used to it...but I guess it would still be hard to explain myself to her without a few tears. I wondered why she hadn't left me with Maria yet...I mean, I'd put her through so much, and it would just make so much more sense for her to leave me now. But she hadn't.

Opening the door, the first thing I heard was Maria crying. I sighed, putting down the stuff in the kitchen. Why wasn't Nella taking care of Maria? I mean, I took my part when I needed to, but since I was gone...Nella should've been taking care of her. I waited, sitting down on the couch for a few moments, but the crying didn't stop. I moaned. "Nella, go take care of Maria." I moaned, but the crying still didn't stop. I walked up the stairs, going into the baby's room, but Nella wasn't even in there. "Really, Nella?" I mumbled. But then I realized, if she wasn't here taking care of Maria...something had to be wrong. Her car was in the driveway, but I didn't hear her. She was nowhere to be found, and if she was anywhere, then the first place I'd look would be Maria's room. And she wasn't there, obviously.

After rocking Maria for a few moments, her crying stopped, and I went to look for Nella. I called out her name, searching the house, but there was no response. Finally, I saw a light coming from the bathroom. The weird thing was, there was no water running, no sounds...nothing. I knocked on the door. "Nella, are you in there?" I knocked a few more times, calling out her name, but there was still no response. Getting nervous, I tried to open the door. Thankfully, it hadn't been locked.

I almost passed out at what I saw. I wanted to cry. There Nella was, laying lifelessly in the bathtub. The water was even tinted red, thanks to what I guessed what her own blood. "Nella?" I choked out, all color draining from my face. At this point, it was obvious she wasn't going to respond, but...I couldn't breathe. I couldn't bear to see her like that. It was impossible to look at her like that.

I went to the side of the tub, picking her body out of the water, the red water dripping from her wet ponytail onto my pants. I stroked her cheek, crying. Looking down at her legs...I saw cuts. Little cuts, still bleeding...and even worse, scars. I'd done a terrible job taking care of her. I was supposed to be her husband, I was supposed to take care of her. But now, thanks to me, she could be dead for all I knew. But, pressing my fingers on her wrist, I knew that wasn't true. I felt a pulse. A faint one, but it was there, and that's all I needed to know that she still had hope. I was going to take that hope. I needed her here, and I would do whatever I could to keep her. Without Nella, I might as well be dead with her.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, rambling on what had happened, hysterical. The operator had told me at least 5 times to calm down, but fuck, I couldn't. I couldn't calm down. Nella could be dead at this point, and it was all because of me. I needed her back here.

The EMTs showed up, loading her onto a gurney. I stayed silent as they yelled random orders to each other. I ran to Maria's room, picking her up and gently taking her down the stairs. She stayed asleep in my arms as I carried her downstairs, grabbing her carseat from the kitchen and carrying her into the back of the ambulance. I squeezed Nella's hand the whole way to the hospital, cradling Maria in my lap at the same time. There was no way I could lose Nella right now. I had no idea how I'd raise Maria by myself, I had no idea how I'd explain it when she asked why her mother wasn't around. I could never do this by myself. Nella had to make it through this.

We got there, and they brought Nella into the ICU. I waited in the waiting room while they pumped her stomach, trying to get the toxins out of her system. I cradled Maria, trying to distract myself as I waited for a doctor to tell me something, anything. They said as soon as they had gotten word on her condition, and once they had finished pumping her stomach, they would let me visit her. So, I waited.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

Later that night, I was still wide awake, watching old movies and nursing Alesana. Cameron had gone to bed earlier; he'd been tired out from the day, taking care of Alesana. I'd told him I'd take care of her for the night, so now I'd been left alone with my thoughts. How much I wished Christian would've let me stay, how much I wished he felt the same way as I did. As much as I loved Cameron, I knew he was just another distraction to get me over Christian....because, that day I saw him in that coffeeshop, all of those feelings had just flooded back immediately. I needed him. Whenever I looked at Cameron, the only thing I thought about was Christian. I know it might be wrong...but no matter how much I didn't want to be, I loved Christian. I still did, and I had never stopped loving him. I just wished I could tell him that. Dammit, I already had, and he had turned me down. Get the fuck over it, Storm, he doesn't love you...and he never will. But, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get over it.

Suddenly, my phone began vibrating. As if he knew what I was thinking, it was Christian. I reached over, hesitating. As much as I wanted to answer, I knew I shouldn't. He'd probably just be saying sorry, or how bad he felt. But I couldn't take that, that wasn't what I wanted - scratch that - that wasn't what I needed to hear. I needed him to tell me that he loved me, he needed me, he wanted me back. I would take him back in the blink of an eye, but I couldn't bear the the thought of Cameron's face when I told him there was somebody else. Fuck, after I'd given birth to his child, I didn't know if I could do that to him. Maybe it was just a better idea to marry Cameron. Even if it was artificial happiness, it was better than nothing at all. Before I knew it, I would forget about Christian, and he'd slowly fade away. He'd eventually find someone too, and he'd start a family, and he'd be happy.

My phone lit up with the words, "1 New Voicemail." I knew he would leave one, I just knew it. As much as I didn't want to listen to it, I knew I had to. I picked up my phone, unlocking it, and pressing the new voicemail, listening to it.

Shit.

I didn't know whether I should be filled with happiness or more grief. Grief that I knew I couldn't have him, that he couldn't be mine. He could if I really wanted him to, but honestly, I couldn't break Cameron like that. It just wasn't fair. Still, though, I did have feelings for Christian. So, that's when I knew I had to go to his apartment tomorrow, whether I liked it or not.

The next morning, I woke Cameron up. He rolled over, kissing my forehead. "Morning, gorgeous." He murmured sleepily. God, he was really good at making me feel guilty.

"Hey, babe, I'm going over to a friend's house today, alright?" He nodded, smiling, and then moaned, rolling over and falling back asleep. That had worked out better than I had planned. Leaving Alesana, asleep in her crib, and Cameron, asleep as well, I got dressed quietly and went downstairs, getting in my car and driving to Christian's apartment. Once I got there, I walked up to his door, and knocked hesitantly. I knew this was so wrong to be doing, but I had to do something for me. Something for my own happiness. I loved Christian, and I couldn't just fool myself into thinking I was happy with Cameron...because I wasn't.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

To be drifting away, so far that you thought you were past the point of return, it felt great. Not worrying about anything. Just letting all your problems drift one way and you the other. That was the way Nella felt. Laying in the bathtub knowing that this was the end, that she wouldn't have to wake up at three in the morning to coo Maria back to sleep or she didn't have to wake up tomorrow and know her father was going to come by and try to put Maria through the same things that he had put her through. She didn't have to wake up tomorrow and try to please Zack the best she could. God, he had no idea how worthless she felt. When she first started going out with Zack she felt weightless, like she was floating on air, but after a while she started questioning herself. Why her? Why not someone else? Nella didn't think much of herself and she didn't know why Zack had. After all this time, she had only been lying to herself. She still felt the same way. She didn't know why Zack loved, hell, she felt like she had to try and try everyday just to impress him to keep him around because honestly? He had been in her life so long she didn't know how she was going to live without him. But now, after tonight. Nella finally realized how tired of it she was. She didn't want to be trying, she didn't want to be doing much of anything to be honest, she was done.

Nella woke up in the hospital bed, her eyes fluttering open. The first thing she saw was Zack in Maria in the chair next to her. IV's poked in and out of both he arms, oxygen poked in her nose and gauze covered her legs. "Shit.." She whispered, "I really hoped I wouldn't wake up this time."

Looking at Zack, she saw the bags under his eyes, it looked like he hadn't been sleeping for days. How long had she been out. "Why?" Nella asked, looking at Zack, tears forming in her eyes, "Why?" She chocked out. "I. Didn't. Want. To. Wake. Up."

"Zack.." Nella chocked out, "I didn't want to wake up, can't you see that?" She shook her head and put her hands over her eyes, "Why did you have to take me out of that bathtub? Why did you have to call 911? Why? Zack, I was so close, I was so close to being gone and you just.." Nella shook her head and opened her eyes to see him. His mouth was slightly open looking at her like she was crazy. "Yeah, I'm just your crazy wife." Nella murmured, shaking her head, "I'm just your crazy wife that wants to kill herself."

A nurse came in, an obvious plastered smile on her face, "Hey Nella." She said in a light tone, her smile slowly fading into concern. "How you doing?"

Nella just stared up at her, not offering an answer or much of anything. "Well, we're so glad that you pulled through. We thought you were a goner for a second, however, we do have a bit of bad news.."

Shaking her head, Nella laughed, "I don't know what news you could give me that could be worse than waking up in this hospital bed. I don't know what you could tell me that's worse than even waking up."

The nurse's lips were set in a straight line, "Well, after doing a few tests, we've discovered that you were a couple of weeks pregnant.." She paused a moment before going on, "Your overdose, unfortunately caused the baby to.." Nella looked up at her, tears in her eyes. "Get out.." She whispered, rolling over and staring at the wall, "Get. Off."

The nurse sighed and motioned for Zack to come out int he hallway with her. "Mr Dickinson, right?" Zack nodded and the nurse flipped through Nella's clipboard, "After looking at her legs and the situation, we've suggest some depression pills and maybe a weekly therapist for Nella. We think that it might be good for her, well, in her state." The nurse shook her head, "Poor girl. She's so pretty too." Sighing, she looked at Zack and said, "I hope that you will put some thought into this. It could really do your wife some good." And with a quick smile, she walked away, the click of her heels echoing throughout the quiet hallway.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Honestly? Christian didn't sleep last night. He'd been going through old pictures with Storm, smiling at the memories and almost crying over the fact that he lost her. Going through old text messages and old voicemails he saved, her telling him that she loved him and how much she missed him.

"Damn...I love you so fucking much." He whispered as he picked up a picture of him and Storm. It was them at Nella and Zack's wedding. Christian remembered when Storm laughed at him because of the tux he wore, but god damn, she had looked so pretty in that black dress. That night, on the dance floor, he told her that that would be them someday. Christian promised Storm that he would marry her one day and they wouldn't ever have to worry about anything else again.

Christian had fallen asleep on the couch, watching an old movie that Storm had made him suffer through one day. God, honestly? It was the worst movie ever. But Storm had just cuddled up next to his chest and kept telling him about all her favorite parts and why she liked them. It was just so cute, seeing her talk about something she loved. The emotion she put in it, the way it lit up her face and the way she smiled about it? She was just so gorgeous. It was just unbearable to not be with her. He couldn't stand the fact that she was marrying another man. He was supposed to be in that place. Alesana was supposed to be his kid. They were supposed to move into a nice little house and live happily ever after. God damn, he missed her so much. And he missed everything he could have had with her. Why did he let it go so easily? Why didn't he try to stop her?

A knock on the door woke him up the next day. Groaning, Christian got up and stretched mumbling out an 'I'm coming, I'm coming' as he trudged to the locked door. After opening the door, Christian's eyes opened wide and his mouth hung open a bit. "Storm.." He whispered, running his fingers through his hair.

After a minute of just standing their, staring at her, god he didn't think this was real, he pulled her into his arms and hugged her, murmuring I love you's over and over into her hair. "I didn't think you were going to come." He said, giving a little heartless laugh. "I thought..last night was the last time I was ever going to see you, the last night I would ever get to hold you and hear you say I love you.." Christian closed her eyes and pulled her into the apartment, closing the door behind them and pressing her against the wall, looking into her eyes.

"Storm, I just...I have never stopped loving you..never and you have no idea how hard it was letting you go. Seeing you with Cameron? It fucking killed me.." Christian sighed, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around her waist. "I can't believe I let you go like that. I am so stupid. I've been lying to myself ever since you walked out on me, lying to myself saying that you could find better, that you could, but, I just can't live without you.." Christian opened his eyes, looking down at Storm, "I love you and I am so sorry, but I do and I just..I can't let you go."

Biting his lip, Christian pulled her close to him, pressing his lips against hers.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I walked back into the room, running my fingers through my hair. I sat down by Nella, putting Maria down in her carseat as she softly cooed. "Hey, Nella." I said, softly, caressing her cheek softly. I spoke softly and calmly, because I knew she was fragile right now. "Nella, do you know what would've happened if that..." I paused, choking on my words. "...if that had worked?" I paused again, trying not to break down. I turned her over, cradling her face in my hands. "Nella, if you wouldn't have made it through that, I would've jumped out of that fucking hospital window. I would've pulled the plug, too, because if you went, I'd have to go with you. I sat there, squeezing her hand as she sat there, wordlessly. As if she didn't care. But I mantained myself, squeezing her hand even harder than before. "Nella, can you even imagine what it would've been like if you were gone? I'd have to raise Maria by myself. I'd have to give up my job, because I'd have to take care of her all the time. Can you even imagine that?" I choked out. Still, she gave no answer.

"Fuck you." I choked out, still trying not to cry. "Fuck you, Nella Dickinson, for making me worry that much. Fuck you for making me think, that even for a second, I had lost you forever. And I'd have to go through all of this alone. You tore yourself apart and left me to pick up the fucking pieces." And that's when I lost it. I began sobbing, my body shaking. I was overtaken by silent cries, squeezing her hands. "Nella, that was the most selfish thing you've ever done. If you're selfish, arrogant enough to ever do that again..." I shook my head. "I'm going with you."

"And our baby." I said, shaking my head. "Nella, we could've had another baby. I would've been fucking overjoyed to have another. But we lost it. And this time, it was somebody's fault, it was yours. When we lost Taylor, it wasn't anybody's fault, it couldn't have been prevented. But it's all your fault this time, you bastard." I sobbed. I couldn't remember the last time I'd let Nella see me cry, honestly. I cried more than a grown man probably should, but I had to just let it all go this time. I had to tell her what I felt, because honestly, I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I hate you so much. Don't you ever do that to me again." I cupped her face in my hands, pulling her into a long kiss. "I'm sorry for lying to you, I'm sorry for being such an inconsiderate, jealous little asshole. I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to hurt you, dammit, Nella. I can't lose you, you're too special to me. I love you so much." That was all I managed to choke out before I began sobbing again.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella looked up Zack, shaking her head. "I hate you so much." She cried, tears running down her cheeks. "I. Hate. You. You wouldn't have missed me. Don't fucking lie to me. You would have been sad about it, probably for a day or two and then you would've got the fuck over it. I" Nella said, her voice getting higher. "I didn't want to wake up, do you want to know why? I'm tired. Okay? I am fucking tired. I am so tired of trying my best to impress you, or trying to be the best wife I can be to make sure you don't leave me or don't walk out on me for someone better. Because if I didn't try, you would hate me. I honestly can't go through that again, fuck my dad already did that to me.There's nothing about me that I would even for a second think you would miss if I was gone."

Sitting up, Nella held her stomach. "Don't look at me like that, Zack. Don't you dare look at me like that. I hate you so much." She cried, holding her head down and letting her hair hang in her face, "Why did you have to call 911? I wasn't worth it. You should have just left me there to die." Giving a little laugh, Nella looked up, "No one would have missed me, fuck, I wouldn't even have missed me and sure, I'd be taking away Maria's mom and she would grow up without me, but, I wasn't even a good mother anyways, Zack. She would have grown up to hate me anyways. I just, I don't see the point anymore, Okay?" Nella ran her fingers through her hair and laid her head on Zack's chest.

"I can't do this anymore, Zack. I can't do this anymore."

"Don't cry." Nella said, looking at him. "Stop crying. You can't do that to me. You can't make me feel bad about all of this. You can't do this okay, you can't do this." She shook her head and looked down.

"And I am sorry about the baby, I just fuck everything up don't I? I'm just a horrible wife, a horrible mother, a horrible daughter, I'm just a horrible person. Why do you stick with me? There are so many other girls out there, they are so much better. They don't have scars, they don't want to kill themselves, they don't ruin everything, they don't make you like this. They wouldn't ruin your life like I have. It would have been so much better if I just moved to California with my dad, wouldn't it have? Admit it. If I moved to California with my dad two years ago, you would have found a much better girl, she would have been pretty and funny and everything I'm not and everything you could have dreamed of. She wouldn't be so over protective and jealous about every damn thing and you would have loved her and you would have had the best family ever. and you would have forgotten about me. God.." She whispered, looking down, the tears rolling down her cheeks, "I wish you didn't help me. I wish you didn't, Zack. I honestly wish I didn't wake up.."

Zack was speechless, and over all he kind of looked hurt. "I'm sorry." She cried, putting her head in her hands, "I am so fucking sorry. I just...Zack, I love you and I'm sorry but I can't do this. I can't take care of Maria. I can't do everything for you and just I can't."

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