Re: Me and Yoda c:

[ofmiceandbrynne]

And there it was again. Her lips smashing against his as he leaned against his car, putting his arms around her waist as he pulled her closer and closer to him. Something told him that he could break up with her, right then and there, but something else told him -- You have her in the palm of your hand. You could get even more than you thought you could've. Just a little bit longer.


Every stoplight, every time they got stuck behind a slow car, she was all over him, her hand rubbing his thigh as he moaned softly, one arm on the wheel loosely, one hand holding hers tightly. Moaning to himself, he hadn't realized that the light had changed until the cars behind him started beeping loudly. He drove, his foot on the pedal, pushing down harder and harder and going way over the speedlimit. But Adam didn't care. He had to get to that damn beach, where he could run his fingers through her hair and grab her ass and kiss her messily to his heart's content. God, three miles had never seemed as far away as it did right now.


They finally got to the beach, where they both got out of the car quickly. Adam pushed Maria against the hood of the car, ignoring the other car that was trying hard to park without hitting the both of them. He pushed her against the hood, kissing her messily and clenching her hands tightly while moaning softly to himself. After a while, he pulled away and helped her stand up, taking off his Vans and walking onto the cool sand, still holding her hand. Finally, they reached a spot in the sand -- close enough to the water hat it sometimes pecked their toes, but not too close. Not too many people were at the beach -- just the occasional dog-walker and kite-flyer. Adam set his phone down in the sand while he gripped Maria's thigh, kissing her roughly. Suddenly, his phone screen illuminated and he slowly pulled away, placing a small peck on her nose before peering back at his phone. He groaned, seeing the name on the screen -- Dad.


He picked up the phone, tapping the red 'decline' button and pulling a small catridge of Marlboros out of his pocket. He looked up at her, expecting the same expression he got from every other girl -- shock, disgust. But it wasn't there.


"If you're going to yell at me for killing my lungs or some stupid shit like that, you can leave. Because I already hear enough of it." He mumbled, pulling a lighter out and from deep in his pocket and lighting it, his brow furrowing in concentration. He finally got it, and held it up to his lips, taking a drag and then looking up at the sky and blowing it out. "Oh god." And it was then when every worry seemed to leave Adam's face -- all the stress, worry, hurt -- it was all gone. All gone in that white smoke that had just escaped his lips. And he took another drag, blowing it out through his slightly cracked lips and sighing. He held it between his fingers, moving it up and down and pulling his feet back as the water hit his toes. He looked back at Maria, looking into her eyes. "If you don't kiss smokers, that's fine, but I'd hope I'm an exception." He murmured, nearing closer to her, blowing smoke in her face only slightly.


And his phone started buzzing again.


"Fuck, Rae." He murmured, picking up the phone and hitting 'accept.'

And within a few minutes, it was settled that Nella and Aaron were coming over and the kids would have to come and have a discussion with all of them. Not necessarily that Zack wanted to, but Rae insisted that something happen (she still didn't know what had happened between Adam and Maria, though). When Maria got there, only with Aaron, suprisingly, Zack got pretty pissed off, though.


"Um, where's Maria?" Rae said, a slight tinge of annoyance in her voice. Nella explained that she wasn't at home and Adam must've run off with her. It was clear the two still didn't like eachother. And Rae started yelling at Nella, and Nella yelled at Rae, until Zack pulled Rae into a long, tender kiss and whispered something in her ear that made her smirk slightly and nod, sitting down in her chair.


"Not my son's fault." Zack chuckled, dialing Adam's number. After he didn't pick up, Zack sighed, taking Rae's phone off the table and dialing Adam's number. If he wouldn't pick up to him, he'd sure as hell pick up to Rae.


"What do you want?" Adam asked.


"Come home, now. We know you're with Maria."


"Creep."


"Adam, I'm not kidding. Get home now."


And within ten minutes, they were both home, looking unhappy.


"So, urm, what's up with the big gathering?" Adam groaned.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella slowly walked down the stairs just as Zack ended his call. Wrapping her arms around her stomach and furrowing her brow, Nella asked, “Who was on the phone, babe?” Zack quickly turned around, he looked a little nervous. Scared. Guilty.

When he replied with a quick and quiet, ‘Nobody,’ he wrapped his arms around her and murmured I love you over and over again in her hair, placing soft kisses here and there. But, Nella knew that something was up. She just knew. Being with someone as long as she had been with Zack, she knew when Zack was lying and he knew when she was lying. There was no getting around it.

In the pit of her stomach, she knew something was up. That couldn’t have just been ‘nobody’ on the phone. Nonetheless, Nella brushed it off and took Zack’s hand in hers, pulling him back up the creaky wooden stairs they had become accustomed to in the short two months they had lived here.

“Come back to bed. I want to cuddle.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
It was a hot day in June when Zack told her, after what seemed like forever, that his band had another big gig. Unlike before, Nella actually liked when Zack spent the whole day driving out to who knows where and playing with who knows who. It had gotten to the point where Nella didn’t even care if Zack cheated on her anymore. He cheated on her, he cheated on her. That was it. She had spent more than half her life worrying about who he was out with. What he was doing-who he was doing (hehe I make myself giggle). It had gotten to the point where, Nella stopped asking. She stopped being suspicious. She stopped worrying. Nella just stopped.

It was almost ten when Zack slipped through the door, closing the door and trapping the dark night outside. “Hey.” Nella mumbled from the couch, her eyes not leaving the TV. “There’s food in the microwave. I made mac and cheese. Just heat it up.”

No, how did it go. No how did you have fun. Nothing.
Zack walked past the couch, the floorboards creaking under his weight. Nella heard him set a time on the microwave, a rhythm of beeps and then the hum of the microwave warming up the noodles.(Why did that make me giggle)

The floor boards creaked as he walked back, sitting at the end of the couch, at her feet. This is when Nella sat up and moved closer to him, leaning her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. “Missed you.” She murmured.

That’s when it hit her.

The smell of perfume. That wasn’t her perfume. It smelled fruity, and it burned as it hit her nostrils. Nella opened her eyes and looked up at Zack who hadn’t seemed to notice. He just sat there and just kept eating away at his food, his eyes glued to the muted TV.
That was when she saw it, the red lipstick smeared on his cheek, his neck, his lips. Nella sighed, shoving the beige blanket off of her and standing up. “I’m going upstairs. Tired.” She said simply, not asking. Not questioning. Not yelling. It was like she hadn’t even noticed. Zack probably thought he had gotten away with whatever the fuck he had done this afternoon, but, his mistake would hit him by the time he woke up tomorrow morning.

Nella opened the door to their room and looked over her shoulder. Zack had unmated the TV and the sound of voices floated up the stairs. He wasn’t coming up anytime soon.

Closing the door behind her, Nella quickly made her way to the closet, holding in the tears as she threw in a few shirts in pants, a pair of shoes or two. And then to the dresser where she threw in her bras and panties.( I fucking hate that word.) By the time she finished throwing whatever she could fit into her bag, Nella had been crying for the past hour. He face was sore, her eyes were red, and her hair stuck to her wet cheeks. It was then that she heard the TV shut off downstairs and Zack coming up the creaky steps. Nella quickly shoved the bag under the bed and got under the covers, wrapping them around herself and closing her eyes- pretending to be asleep.

The door creaked open and Nella heard Zack peak his head in with a sigh. She heard him kick his shoes off into the corner, she heard the thin fabric of his shirt getting pulled over his head, and the unbuckle of his belt. And then he was in bed next to her, his arms snaking around her and his chin resting on her shoulder.

Nella bit her lip, holding in a cry. Zack hadn’t showered and the smell of whoever the fuck he was with today was strong. It was suffocating her. It was giving her a headache. It was making her want to bawl her eyes out all over again

An hour later, Zack’s soft snores filled her ear. Nella was still wide awake, squeezing Zack’s hand in hers and praying that all of this was just her imagination. That there wasn’t trashy red lipstick on his neck, that there wasn’t cheap perfume clinging to his warm skin. That her bag wasn’t under their bed, ready for her to leave whenever she wanted.

Slipping out of Zack’s arms, Nella got up, looking back over at him. He rolled over and she saw his eyebrows scrunch together as if wondering where she had went, but, he never fully woke up. Nella quietly and quickly reached under the bed, grabbing her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

It was around 1AM by the time Nella slipped out the front door of their house, tears brimming her eyes.

Nella unlocked her car and got in, the early morning air was cold and it nipped at her skin. She shivered as she closed the car door behind her, shoving her key in the ignition and praying it would heat up soon.

Pulling out of the driveway, that’s when it started. The tears that she had held in, the cries, everything. It came out all at once. Zack had cheated on her so many times, so many fucking times. Nella had never felt worse about herself. Was she doing something wrong? If he wasn’t happy, why didn’t he just say so and get it over with already? She had told him if he wasn’t happy, all he had to do was say the word and she would be gone- out of his life and he would never see her again. But he didn’t he had told her that he loved her and that there was no him without her, but, every time he came home smelling of another girl, Nella saw just how false that statement was. Was he keeping her around just because he got off by seeing her hurt? No, that couldn’t be true.

Then what the fuck was it?

Nella was tempted to turn around and drive back, and question him, asking him what the fuck was his problem. But, she knew it was just going to end up as it always did. Her falling for whatever bullshit came out of his mouth, cuddling or makeup sex, and everything would go on how it used to.

All in all, Nella had grown tired of it.

Blinded by her tears, Nella blew through a stop light. And everything went black. All she was conscious to was the sound of metal hitting metal, her head hitting the wheel so hard so though her skull was going to come out of her head, her body hurt anywhere and everywhere, and the soft sound of sirens in the background. The driver in the other car was still conscious, obviously he hadn’t gotten the brunt of the accident. The last thing Nella heard before she was pulled under was the other driver’s screams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nella woke up, the sound of beeping from machine’s beside her, the sharp pains in her body and her head, wires and tubes sticking to and in her arms. She groaned and tried to sit up, but, a hand pushed her, gently, back down onto the bed.

“What happened? What’s going on? Where I am?” No matter how much Nella tried to remember what happened, she couldn’t.

“You were in an accident.” The nurse said, looking down at her. “You weren’t found with ID or any source of identification on you. You’ve been unconscious for a few days now. We’re surprised you actually came to.” The nurse cleared her throat and went on, “Do you remember your name?”

Nella looked down at her arms, at her body, then back at the nurse.

“No. “

The nurse nodded and sighed, writing something down on the clipboard in her lap. “What’s that?” Nella asked, trying to peer over, but, the wires and tubs restricted to her and she could only shift her body an inch or two.

“It’s you’re (I forget what it’s called I’ve been writing this for 3 hours fucking deal with it).” She stood up and hooked the clipboard on the end of her bed, “So, Jane Doe, I’ll be checking on you in an hour or two. If you need anything, press that button right there and we’ll be here ASAP.”

Nella nodded and laid back in the hard pillows under her head as she watched the nurse walk out of her room.

“Jane Doe.” She repeated to herself. She had always seen mystery shows and CSI shows with countless Jane Does and Joe Does, she never in her life thought she would actually turn out being one.

“Who am I?” She murmured to herself.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

It had been a day in June when Zack had realized Nella had left. Like, not just left to go to an appointment or left to go to the store or left to go take a dump. It was different this time, and for one reason only – she’d taken all of her stuff. Not just a tote bag with a book or two and some clothes – like, she was gone for real. And the scary part was? She hadn’t picked up her phone or responded to texts. Or anything. Usually, when she left like this, she’d at least answer calls so Zack didn’t have to worry. But, this kind of hinted at the fact that she WAS leaving for good. And it scared the living daylights out of Zack. Sure, he treated her like shit, sure, he deserved better, but that was no reason to just walk out like that. And the thing was, she could’ve been dead for all Zack knew. And he couldn’t stand that.


But that wasn’t really the matter at hand right now. Rae was in labor.


“Zack! Hurry the fuck up!” She whined, curled up in the passenger seat. Zack went over the third speed bump, smirking as he pulled slowly into the emergency room parking lot. She began crying and that was Zack’s cue to, obviously, hurry up. “How’re you so relaxed?” She said as he helped her get out of the car.


“Two reasons,” Zack explained nonchalantly. “One, I’ve been through it before. Worrying doesn’t really do any good. I mean, I know it probably hurts, but what do I know. I have a dick. You would know that, now wouldn’t you?” Zack smirked, looking down at Rae who was glaring at him. He grabbed her hand as he walked (and she more so limped) towards the entrance of the hospital. “Anyway, I digress. Worrying doesn’t really do any good, because once they get you inside they’ll stick a big ass needle up your spine and it won’t really hurt that much. At least that’s what the nurse told me. I don’t know why you’re so worried, anyway. It’ll be fine. I mean, have you seen the statistics of women dying during child birth these days? I mean, I understand it’s like peeing out a lemon but statistics of women dying are pretty low. But, still, you could be one of them. And, then there’s the possibility of you being in labor for like, 40 hours. Since the baby’s premature they’ll want you in labor for as long as possible. Or at least that’s what I think. And, two – I’m a dude. I’m not the one giving birth.” Zack smirked as he walked across the crosswalk with Rae and into the doubledoors.


“I think she’s giving birth.” Zack announced loudly, motioning over to Rae. The woman nodded, steering Rae off to a room in a wheelchair as she asked Zack for information to admit Rae. He gave all of the information and then went into the room.


“Zack! Where’ve you been?!” She gasped, reaching out for his hand.


“Givin’ birth, sorry. Didn’t mean for it to take so long.” He mumbled sarcastically, going to the bedside and grabbing her hand. And, within ten minutes, Rae was holding their baby boy.


“Hi, Adam.” She whispered, using her thumb to stroke his cheek gently. His eyes remained closed as he sucked his thumb quietly. Zack watched her hold him, and then she looked over to him. “Do you wanna hold him?” She asked in the same, quiet, yet creepy voice.


“I don’t wanna hurt him.” Zack mumbled. “Erm, I need to go get a drink. I’ll be back, ‘kay?” Rae nodded, paying more attention to the baby than him. Zack got up, walking through the corridors. This whole time, he’d been wishing Rae’s baby wasn’t his. Because, even though maybe now that she had a baby she’d keep her damn legs together, but it was just the fact that it was his. And he couldn’t just be the kind of dad his dad had been – hell, Zack didn’t even know the guy. But, it’s exactly what he explained it to be – a mistake. A mistake that had caused Nella to leave him behind. And Rae would use damn Adam Michael Dickinson as a pawn to anchor her and Zack together for the rest of their lives. And Zack couldn’t bear that. That should’ve been Nella in that hospital bed, Zack told himself as he reached the water fountain and sat down on the floor by it, his head in his hands. That should’ve been Nella’s baby, not Rae’s. It should’ve had Nella’s eyes and Nella’s tiny upturned nose and Zack’s curled up toes. If he’d just kept his dick in his pants – his stupid, moderate dick – none of this would’ve ever happened.


Zack looked up, peering across the hall. And what he saw broke him. Although she looked terrible – skinny, torn up, bruised and shattered – it was her. Nella. The girl with the beautiful smile, a great figure and perfect curves, tall enough to reach Zack’s chin, who he hated more than life itself but also loved her more than anything in the entire world.


“Nella?” He murmured, standing up. What had she done to get here? What had happened? Although he knew she wouldn’t want to see him, he wandered into the room anyway, knocking on the door before walking in and peering at her curiously. She returned the gesture.


“What’re you looking at me like that for?” He murmured, hurrying to the bedside and pulling up a chair. He took his thumb and began brushing her cheek. She took his hand away. He wasn’t surprised as he folded his hands back in his lap.


“What happened?” He murmured, peering at her and tilting his head.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

It had been a week since the car crash- at least that’s what everyone had kept telling happened. Nella had no recollection of the it. Why it happened, why she was out driving so late.

Nothing.

The only thing she knew was that she was A; Totally alone and defenseless and B; Going out of her fucking mind. The only thing she had to remember about her former life was a small bag they had recovered from the crash site. It had clothes, shoes, but no ID or phone. Whoever she was, she already hated herself already for not remembering to stuff them in the bag. Maybe she was in a rush? Where was she going to in such a rush at so early in the morning?

Where was she even going to begin with? The doctors had told her she was emitted around 2AM. Who in their right mind was out driving that early?

Nella sighed as she, once again, pulled her small tattered bag to her lap. She pulled out a shirt and laid it on her lap, examining it. Who knows where she got it. Was it a gift? Did she go shopping with friends? Or maybe she had borrowed it from someone? If she had borrowed it from someone, whoever it was, they weren’t getting it back. At least not anytime soon.

But the fact that Nella didn’t know where she got a simple fucking shirt was tearing her apart.

She was roughly twenty-three years old and she couldn’t remember a day of her life. Twenty-three years and she couldn’t even remember one fucking second. Were there little things she was missing? Big things? Did she have something planned for this week? Was her family worried? Was she still living with her mom?

The things she had had but had now forgot. Her first kiss. Her first boyfriend. Her sixteenth birthday.

Was she happy? Did she have a successful job? A husband? Kids? Friends?

“Fuck.” Nella muttered to herself as she leaned back on the white pillows.The pillows that smelled like disinfectant and laundry detergent. The pillows she had woken up on five days ago and had found out that she had no idea who she was, were now giving her an unbearable headache.

Throwing her bag back into the chair next to her, Nella massaged her temples and began making up theories of what her life could have been like.

‘Maybe I was going to a sleepover. Or some shit like that. Do twenty-three year olds even go to sleepovers anymore? Maybe I needed a break from my husband and kid. Maybe this was usual thing. Or maybe I don’t have a husband. Maybe he’s a boyfriend and I was going to spend the night at his house. Or maybe he finally asked me to move in. Was I running away? I’m twenty-three, fuck, if I wanted to move out I probably could have. But, was I running away from something? I can’t be that much of a loser to run away from something. Was I still living with my parents?’

Nella bit her lip at the thoughts and then shook her head. None of those sounded right. Even though she had no idea what her life was like before, she was almost positive that that wasn’t how it had turned out. She just had this feeling. Things couldn’t be that perfect. It wasn’t possible.

“Whatever.” She mumbled, wrapping the blankets around her small, bruised and broken body. “It’ll come to me. Eventually.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was hot, the blankets were tangled around her ankles and someone was knocking at the door. Nella groaned, opening an eye, expecting to see the usual nurse to check on her, give her a few pain-killers or something like that. But, who she saw wasn’t that usual tall, smiling (Almost creepy even) doctor or nurse asking how she felt or if she needed anything.

Who she saw made her raise her eyebrows. He was tall, lanky, messy haired, looked like he was homeless, his clothes looked like they hadn’t been washed in a week, and he needed to shave, but, damn; he still looked pretty fucking attractive despite all of that.

Sitting up, Nella raised an eyebrow. Did he have the wrong room? He must have the wrong room. Weren’t you supposed to have that ‘feeling’ if you knew someone after losing your memory like this? Like, I don’t know, this feeling that you knew them in another life, or something like that? A feeling that you should know them?

But Nella wasn’t getting that. He had to have the wrong room.

As he walked into her room, seemed almost nervous and he was looking at her in the most peculiar way. “Hi?” She muttered, pressing deeper into the headache inducing pillows and pulling the blankets tighter around her, almost if to protect herself from whoever the hell he was.

“What do you mean ‘don’t look at me like that’? I should be telling you the same thing.” Nella muttered, brushing his hand off of her face. Her face felt as if she was burning where his fingers brushed. It was weird. “D-Don’t touch me.” She mumbled, "Who are you? Who let you in here?"

The man before her looked confused and furrowed his brow; “Nella? What's going on. It’s Zack. Don't you remember? What are you talking about? What happened?” Nella raised her eyebrows.

Nella? Was that her name? She wouldn't have pegged herself with that name.

Well that was a stupid name.

“Look, I don’t know who you are, okay? I lost my memory or something. At least that’s what they keep telling me. And you’re kind of creeping me out.- Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. God who the fuck let you in here? You’re crazy okay. You’re creepy.”

Nella reached for the button on the table beside her. The button that, with one press, would have her nurse rushing in here and bid to her every need. But, Zack, stopped her.

“I don’t know who the fuck you are but you need to get out of here. Even if I did know you before, I don't know."

[bokangavemeabeauner]

No matter what she had been trying to tell herself for the past week, Maria didn’t even know how she felt about Adam. Sure, he was fun to make-out with, and god, she went crazy when his hands were all over her, but, she didn’t love him. Maybe like him, maybe she like liked him, but not love him. It was fun to fool around with him behind closed doors, make the windows steam in the back of his shitty car, but that was that. It was just fun.

Maria moaned to herself as her ass pressed against the bumper of Adam’s car, his hand running up her thigh, one of her hands in his hair and the other roaming down his chest.

Before she knew it, they were on the beach, tangling around each other in the sand, buttons being undone, it was like this afternoon all over again. Well, it would have been, if Zack hadn’t had called.

Maria sighed, sitting up, feeling a few grains of sand find their way down the back of her shirt.

“They don’t like me do they?” Maria smiled softly, hugging her legs to her chest. Adam didn’t even have to answer, “It’s okay. My parents don’t like you either. They haven’t told me why yet, or given me a reason, so I don’t know.” Maria bit her lip, “When I was leaving, I heard my parents arguing downstairs, they were on the phone with someone, I think it was your dad. Is there something you’re keeping from me? I don’t know, you just seem like you know something I don’t. There must be a reason you’re ignoring your dad like this, besides the fact that he’s annoying but, I don’t know. Do you know what’s going on? And don’t lie to me.”
Adam ignored her. Mentally, Maria added that to the list, the list she had started to form since Day 1 on ‘Why They Should Never Have A Serious Relationship.’ Rolling her eyes, Maria laid back down in the sand, closing her eyes and opening them.

The smell of cigarette smoke hit her nose, making her toes curl. So sweet yet so bitter.

“I won’t kiss you unless you give me one of those.” She murmured, reaching over and pulling the cigarette from his hands. Adam pulled back slightly, but not before Maria had it in between her own two fingers. “Hasn’t your mommy ever taught you to share?” She murmured, bringing it up to her lips and taking a long drag. Maria closed her eyes as she let the smoke seep out of her mouth. It’d been a while since she let loose like this. Lately she’d been so uptight and unwilling to do something crazy like this, sneaking out in the middle of the night with her boyfriend, having almost sex on the beach, and killing a box of Marlboros. Maria could have stayed there all night. An occasionally kiss from Adam, the wandering of hands, sitting in silence, sharing a laugh here or there, she could’ve, if Rae hadn’t had called.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maria walked into the living room, feeling as though she had just walked into a courtroom. All eyes were on her and Adam, and she shifted her feet, looking down, at the wall, anywhere but their eyes.

Zack groaned, sitting down next to Rae. “Adam, I told you earlier what this was about and you still chose to run off with her.” Adam remained silent, Maria looked at him.

“What’s he talking about?” She murmured. No answer. “Adam, what’s he talking about?” Again, no answer. Maria was starting to get aggravated.

“Mr. Dickinson, Zack, whatever, what the fuck are you talking about since Adam’s to much of an asshole to tell me.” Added to the list, keeps secrets.

Nella cleared her throat, “Maria, don’t talk like that.”

Rae laughed.

“Well, you see…” Zack started, but Nella interrupted him.

“What he’s trying to say is, he’s your father, Maria. Not Aaron.”

Maria couldn’t help but laugh, she looked over at Adam, but he wasn’t laughing. Is this what he was keeping from her?

“Come on, Adam. You aren’t seriously telling me you believe them. This is bullshit.”

But, again, he didn’t speak up.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

Zack pursed his lips, still holding Nella's wrist. "Stop messing around with me. You have to remember at least something." On the outside, Zack appeared to be totally calm -- he could've even been pretending, like Nella probably thought he was. But that was only to mask what was really going on inside -- he didn't know what to do. He was falling apart. Even though he had had troubles with her in the past, no one, not even Nella, deserved to be this injured. It just wasn't fair.


"Okay," Zack said slowly, "Press that button if you want, but it won't do you any good. I was the first person to step forward with your name, your identity, the first person who knew you -- regardless of if you want me to be or not, I'm in charge of you until you recover." He paused to lick his lips. "And, anyway, I don't really blame you if you don't remember me. I was a friend of your brother's a while back," Zack lied, "But he's, uh, out of state right now, so I'm the only one to take care of you. I don't really know you, but, still, no one deserves to be like this." He chewed his bottom lip. Damn, if anything, this whole incident was heaven-sent. There was no way he wouldn't take advantage of it. If he could start over with Nella, completely? It was worth a little lie or two.


"That was a bit of a rude introduction, I guess." Zack murmured. "I'm Zack, I'm 25 and I'm a musician. I'm from around this area and have lived here since I was at least 16. I'm a runaway and a fuck-up. Erm, been married once but she left my ass for someone better," He lied, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. He shook her hand, then glanced at her, and then realized something, and laughed in spite of himself -- she couldn't introduce herself to him.


"You're Nella," Zack continued, glancing down at her. "You're 23, and single. You have a brother named Christian and you love music. And, that's really all I know." Zack gulped. Total lie. He knew everything about that damn girl, but too much would give him away. He couldn't let that happen. This was his chance to start over.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

The silence in the room was so heavy. Not even Zack broke the silence. Everyone sat there solemnly (or, in his and Maria's case, stood), staring at each other. And, the terrible thing was, Adam couldn't even tell what was the truth and what wasn't. Was this a stunt to break apart? Adam could see it happening. Usually, Zack didn't care what Adam did, but Rae did -- and, Adam was beginning to think Rae had caught on. He wouldn't put something like this past her. Although, it did seem a bit extreme. He finally looked up, scanned the room, and then over at Maria.


"No," He murmured, shrugging his shoulders and stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Sorry, Maria, my mom's a bitch. Didn't mean to get you tangled up in this, honest --" At this point, Rae stood up and began charging for Adam, beginning to speak, but Zack grabbed her arm, holding her back before she could reach him or begin to speak. "See? Anyway." He turned towards the four adults, and put his hands up in the air, rolling his eyes. "Oooh, looks like you've caught me. I'm a dude having sex with a girl in high school. If you're worried about a condom, yes, we did use one. I'm not going to knock girls up like my dad." He glared at Zack. Rae blinked. "Yes, I know I was a damn mistake. Anyway, I'm not that stupid. You take me to be an idiot. I can see it." He pursed his lips. "I don't see what the big deal is, seriously. Why would you pull a lie this huge just to break a boy and a girl apart? I already told you, dammit, that I really like Maria," Adam said, ignoring the pink tint blossoming on his cheeks.


Rae sighed sharply. "Adam, I don't think you understand what's going on here. We wouldn't lie about something like this."

Zack interrupted her. "Plus, it's not just because you banged her --"

"Zack!" Rae called out, hitting him lightly on the shoulder.

Zack rolled his eyes, continuing. "It's not just because of that. Like, I dunno about you Rae, but have you seen the amount of girls he's brought home? He had to've lost his V card at least his freshman year. We already knew, you were, y'know..."

"Sexually...active." Rae said, nauseated. Zack laughed, and she hit him again.

"Still," Adam persisted, "I don't believe it. I know you guys have a problem with Maria, and I know Maria's parents have a problem with me. But it's just not fair." He paused. "You know what? We're going to continue having sex and making out and being in love because it's not incest unless we get a blood test or something. I won't believe it." He smirked.

Zack looked over at Rae, who shrugged. Zack nodded. "Fair enough with us if it is with Maria's parents. If it's the only way to prove it, so be it."

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Two weeks later, Nella was discharged from the hospital. Her ribs were still sore and her arm was still in a cast, and it hurt to walk, but, she was better than she was when she was emitted. Zack had visited her every day for the past two weeks. Sometimes he stayed the night next to her bed in that uncomfortable, plastic hospital chair. Nella didn’t know why, but he did. Every now and again, he got a text or a call and he always got that same look on his face when he turned away, hiding the screen from her view, and pressed the red decline button. Was it worry? Annoyance? Was he scared that she'd see something? She didn’t know, but whoever it was, he didn’t want to talk to them. Nella almost asked but chose against it. He might know her, she didn’t know how well or how long, but, she barely knew him.

Zack had brought her in a change of clothes the night before so when she left, she didn’t have to wear the same cloth hospital dress that she had on since day one. They smelled of laundry detergent, smoke, and mint all mixed into one. It was a weird smell, but, it was her smell. (omg that sounded weird I don’t care. You know what I mean.)

Nella leaned against Zack as she wobbled out through the double doors. One arm was around her waist and the other held her hand. He had told the nurse that had helped her down the stairs that he had it from here. Part of her thought that he just wanted to put his arm around her waist, and the other part knew that he just wanted to help.

“I can’t do this.” She murmured, stopping after a few agonizing steps. Zack looked at her and sighed, “We’re almost there.” He said, rubbing her back softly. Nella looked up at him, her lip quivered, but she held back. “I can’t walk. I can’t think. I can’t remember anything that happened after that fucking car crash.” Nella laughed, but it held no emotion. “I feel so helpless, you know? I just wish I remembered something- anything. I don't care. I hate being like this. You have no idea what this feels like.”

“You can do this, okay? I’m right here with you. I’ll help you.” Nella took a deep breath, she slowly nodded and started walking again, pushing her weight against Zack. She didn’t know why he was being so nice and encouraging, fuck, he was just a friend of Christian’s, was that her brother’s name again? Did he even like her? Did he tell Zack embarrassing or bad things about her? She didn’t know and the thought made a light blush flower across her cheeks. All she knew was that he was the only one in the whole world who she knew. He was the only one that came forward with her name, and the little information he knew about her. That’s all that mattered, right?

When they got to the car, Zack opened the door for her and helped her in. He pulled the buckle gently over her bandaged up chest, “You okay?” He asked, as she squirmed under the weight of the seat belt. “Yeah..” She murmured, “It hurts a little. But I don’t think I’m in any position right now to not wear one.” Nella smiled softly and Zack closed the door, walking over and getting in the driver’s seat. He drove slow and looked twice before he drove through a stop sign. It was weird. Usually teenagers or twenty something year old guys would blow through red lights and drive way past the speed limit, but Zack didn’t. Over every bump he stopped and looked over, and after hearing an, ‘I’m fine’ for the hundredth time he drove on, slower than before.

They got home, he helped her in, got her comfy on the couch and everything. Asked her if she was hungry, even after she said no, he pushed on saying that the only food she had to eat in the last month was shitty hospital food until she agreed to have a sandwich.

“I hope its okay I’m staying with you.” Nella muttered, taking a small bite of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he had handed her. “I don’t think I’m capable of taking care of myself at the moment and I really owe you for doing this for me.” Zack had put down his sandwich and smiled, it looked forced but again, Nella didn’t say anything. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Christian was a good friend of mine. He got me out of a lot of shit. The least I could do is take care of his little sister for a month or two.”

And they sat there, Nella asking questions, about her brother about her family about her life before the accident and everything in between. Zack struggled with the answers, a lot of them were blunt and a lot of questions she asked, he didn’t have answers for. It was expected, he hadn’t known her that well.

An hour or two had passed and it was well past seven. Zack must’ve been tired, but he didn't show it.

"You should be getting some sleep. I'll be upstairs if you need me. Just give me a call." He smiled, getting up. But, Nella grabbed his wrist and he froze.

"Wait, can you stay down here with me for the night or something? I don't know. You were with me that whole time in the hospital and I slept better with you there...I donno' I just felt, safe. Y'know?" She bit her lip and looked down, letting her hair fall in her face. "You don't have to." She shrugged, looking back up, her cheeks covered in that same pink blush she had sported earlier.

But, he sat down, next to her on the couch. No words, he just did it.

"Can I ask one more question?"

“Shoot.” He said, leaning back against the couch. Nella bit her lip and pulled up the sleeve of the Mickey Mouse sweatshirt he had given her. It was too big to be hers and it made Nella wonder if it was an ex-boyfriends or Christian’s.

“Do you know where I got these?” She asked, showing him the white scars that scattered half way up her forearm. Her fingers traced along the little bumps, there were so many. “They’re on my legs too, and my other arm. The doctors didn’t know where they were from. Or they weren’t telling me, no matter how much I asked. I don’t know, do you know where I got them?” Zack hesitated, and he looked down. “Don’t lie to me either. That’s not fair.”

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Her head was spinning. Maria couldn’t see straight. They were related? She felt like she was going to throw up. Her hands were sweating and her face was hot. But, it had to be a load of bullshit. Didn't it? Was this an April Fool’s joke or something? They didn’t even look alike for fucks sake. Did half siblings even look alike? Maria didn’t know. She should have payed more attention in science instead of writing 'Maria Dickinson' and 'Mr. and Mrs. Dickinson' over and over in her notebook. Maybe then she would know.

All that Maria knew for sure at this point was that their parents had had history together, she could tell by the way Zack looked at Nella when Rae turned away, or the way Nella scowled when Rae even took a breath. It was there, the grudge, the love, everything.

“This is bullshit.” Maria said, laughing. “Are we getting Punk’d or something? I’m just waiting for the guy to come out with a microphone yelling ‘You’ve been punk’d!.’ Come on now, where are the hidden cameras?” But no one was laughing with her, Maria started to sweat. This was getting out of hand.

“You guys seriously think I’m related to him?” She squeaked, motioning to Zack. “Come on! I can’t believe you! One, I’m not nearly as stupid and uncoordinated as he is and two, we don’t even look anything alike.”

Maria shook her head, running her fingers through her hair for the thousandth time, “Look, mom, dad, I really could care less if you like Adam or not. You screwed Adam’s dad half of high school so you shouldn’t be telling me who I can and who I can't sleep with.”

She was set to argue more, but, Adam started talking. Unlike her, he was calm and collected under pressure. He was acting like none of this was getting to him. Unlike her who's voice cracking not even five minutes into this conversation.

Mentally, she added that to the ‘Pros’ of having a serious relationship with him, that and he was a great ass kisser. Maria smiled softly to herself as she looked at Adam’s cheeks turn pink. All she wanted to do was grab his hand, pull him close, have his lips on hers..
Fuck did she miss the beach.

Before she could say anything else, Adam suggested a blood test. His parents agreed and not to soon after, so did her parents.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She asked, laughing. “Oh my god. I can’t believe you guys! Fine, let’s go. Right now. We’re not related.”

Nella sighed, shaking her head. “Maria, I don’t know why you’re acting like this.”

“I think I’m the one who should be asking you the same thing.” She murmured, folding her arms over her chest.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

Zack leaned back against the couch, licking his lips and forcing his gaze down to the scars. God dammit, he told himself, if anything, don't break now. He took a sharp intake of air and took her arm gently, peering into her eyes questionably before he did so. After she didn't stop him, Zack ran his fingers up and down, examining each one. Hmph. He'd never actually seen any of these; Nella wasn't that dumb. She always kept herself wrapped up in a sweatshirt, and, if not that, then millions of bracelets. Zack had never found it suspicious, but after their miscarriage and Nella's suicide attempt, he did. As time went on, though, the feeling of suspiscion slowly faded away. He gently set down her right arm in her lap, and then gently took her left one.


He should've just told her then. He wished he would've been able to, because he knew she could sense the guilt in his voice every time he lied to her. He'd told her so many lies when she asked him questions, and didn't answer a lot of them, even though he knew the answers. "What's my full name?" Nella Alexandria Dickinson. "Did I have a boyfriend? Or any best friends?" Me, I was your boyfriend. Was, until I cheated on you for the thousandth-fucking-time. You walked out on me, but it's my own fault for being a worthless piece of shit. You had friends only when they needed something, but you didn't mind. You liked hanging out and watching scary movies even though they scared the living shit out of me. "Was I good at anything? What did I like to do?" Goddamn, everything. You sang - you had the prettiest voice, or have, I suppose - , you were learning guitar and I think you mentioned once that you had been forced into piano lessons in the third grade. Sometimes you painted, and you burned every single thing you tried to cook, even water. You loved cartoons. And music, and you were the kind of person that could wake up after being asleep for years but still look like the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. You smoked, and drank, but nothing that was too strong for you. And when it was, I always gave you a ride home. You drank the most expensive goddamned vodka just so you could feel classy. That's how you said it, too. You loved wearing my clothes and you gave incredible blowjobs." The answer to every single one was the same - a toss of the head backwards, and a half-hearted laugh. "I barely know you, how do you expect me to know all of this?"


He peered at the scars, and pulling up her sleeve further (he checked that he could, of course), he noticed red puffy slashes across her shoulder and upper arm. He sighed, running his finger over one of them. Nella flinched, and he mumbled a word of "sorry" under his breath. Of course it stung, it was fresh - probably from the on the night she left, before she did. He gently brushed his lips against the puffy cut, and leaned against her shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to think up an explanation. But the only thought going through his head was, These are all because of me.


"God, Nella. I lied. I lied, okay? You did have a boyfriend. He was a real dick to you. You know the saying, 'Being a dick doesn't make yours bigger?' Geez, wish I coulda told him that while I still had the chance. I...Nella, he just hurt you a lot, okay? He didn't deserve you, and you weren't strong enough to get away from him. But it wasn't your fault, he's gone now, yeah? Such a terrible guy - went around sleeping with other girls and...you just had a really bad life. But, maybe the car crash wasn't so bad? Not like that - just, maybe now, you can start over." He lingered closer to her, resting a hand gently on her shoulder, and brushing his lips against hers softly. Not rough, not making out just to make out. Just a kiss.


Just a kiss.


He pulled away, looking into her eyes and seeing the confusion. Zack looked down. "I'm so sorry." He mumbled.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

"That's just what we're going to do!" Rae interjected, grabbing Adam by the shoulder and pulling him towards the door. Zack chuckled, obviously amused, grabbing his keys and smirking. "Meet us at the hospital, I guess - it won't be that hard to get done. Give or take 20 minutes. Hope you guys are okay with getting pricked." Zack lingered closer to Aaron, breathing his minty breath in his face. "Of course, if you're not...it's no big deal. Hope you had breakfast." He poked him in the chest and walked out to the car, following Rae and obeying, trying not to laugh as she screamed at him to open the car door. She tossed Adam into the backseat, and threw herself into the passenger seat, a steaming rage. Adam saluted Maria and her parents, chuckling. He winked towards Maria, as well, which seemed to have pissed her parents off even more.


Seven and a half minutes later, they were at the hospital. Adam lounged back in a chair, making himself comfortable as he helped himself to a mint on the counter, sucking on it as he peered around the room. Rae paced nervously as they waited, until Maria and her parents walked into the room. Rae sighed dramatically, and a doctor followed the three into the room.


"Alright! I have all your info ready, would anybody like to go first?" Adam nodded, smirking and hopping up on the table. The doctor smiled warmly. "Alright. This will only be a bit of a pinch. One, two..."


"Holy shit!" Adam exclaimed, squeezing his eyes shut. Rae stood up, all anger drained from her face. All that was left was concern.


"Adam, sweetheart, are you alright?!" She clutched his arms tightly, her pink manicured fingernails seeming more like claws. "I'll have this damn hospital sued, I swear to -"


"Just kidding. That didn't even hurt." Adam chuckled. The doctor raised a disapproving eyebrow.


"Maybe that's because I didn't even do it yet."


"Oh...well, shit." Adam paled as the needle was injected and his blood was taken, the crimsony liquid flowing freely from his arm and through a thin tube. He let out a deep sigh, smirking, and then falling backwards. Zack doubled over in laughter, and Rae screamed.


"What did you do to my poor baby?!" She exclaimed, taking his hand and holding it in her own. "Why, I could sue you right now -"


The doctor sighed. "Ma'am, it's perfectly normal for these things to happen during blood withdrawl." He pulled the needle out of Adam's arm, sticking a band-aid over the small prick. "He should be up in a few seconds." And, sure enough, Adam sat up, blinking. "Alright, who's next?"


The rest seemed to go by in a blur for Adam - considering he passed out in the middle of his own test, he was still a bit groggy while he waited for everyone else to get theirs done - in fact, he could've sworn he fell asleep on Maria's shoulder at one point. Before he knew it, the doctors were back with the results.


"Alright." The doctor sucked in his cheeks. "According to the blood test, Adam is the son of Zachary Wayne and Rae Kathleen. " Zack nodded, and Rae held Adam's hand tightly. "And Maria is the daughter of Aaron _____ and Nella Alexandria, correct?" Zack immediately stood up.


"Not biologically." He spoke up.


"Yes, biologically." The doctor chuckled.


Zack paled. "No, there's got to be some mistake. Maria...Maria's mine. She grew up in my house - dammit, I fed her and I changed her and I listened to her cry, and I sang to her. I was there through Nella's entire pregnancy, I was the only guy she'd..." Zack sucked in some air, his eyes growing glassy. "You didn't. You didn't cheat on me while I was away. You...you wouldn't have."


There was a pregnant pause. Adam stood up, taking Maria's hand. "Well, this is fucked up. We're gonna go, yeah?"

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella felt her skin prickle as Zack ran his calloused, probably from playing guitar for such a long time, fingers over her scars. “There’s so many of them.” She mumbled, biting her lip, and looking up at Zack. But he wouldn’t meet her gaze, or he couldn’t. Nella wasn’t quite sure which. Instead of facing her, his eyes lingered on the white scars that scattered out on most of her limbs. Something about him seeing them, something about him running his fingers over them and staring at them made her uncomfortable. Something about this silence, just something about it felt wrong. Something about it felt weird, it was a feeling she had never felt before. Or, at least she thought she had never felt before. There was just something about it made her feel self conscious.

“I don’t know what it is about them, this,” Nella started, biting her lip and wincing as Zack pulled her sleeve up further. “But they make me feel kind of, sick? No, that’s not the right word.” Pausing to think, Nella peered at Zack as he ran his finger softly over, what looked like, a fresh cut. “Not beautiful. That’s what I mean, if that makes sense.”

Zack remained silent, examining her, anywhere and everywhere. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t voice what he was thinking- nothing. And that’s when Nella made the connection.
She had done this. She had done this to herself.
That’s why she felt sick. That’s why she felt self conscious. Ugly. Everything.

That’s why. And what was worse, she asked a guy who supposedly knew nothing about her where they came from. God fucking dammit, this was awkward. He probably knew nothing about this to begin with- if he knew little to nothing about her like he claimed. Nella had just let Zack into one of the, what used to be, one of the biggest secrets of her life. What was he even supposed to say?

“I shouldn’t have asked.” She blurted out , her eyes scanning his when they finally met hers, his lips still on her shoulder as she shivered from his touch. “I mean you’ve been telling me all this time that you barely know me and I just keep asking you.” Faking a laugh, Nella shrugged, “I’m sorry. Sorry for keeping you up this late too.” Grabbing his hands gently, she pushed them off of her arms and rolled her sleeves back down slowly. “I’m sorry. Forget it.” And with that, she smiled but unlike before, like Zack’s earlier, it felt forced and Nella didn’t like the feeling she got in the pit of the stomach when she did.
But Zack just lost it after seeing her shoulder, he completely and utterly lost it.

Her head was spinning as he went on about her boyfriend, her ex boyfriend. How horrible he was, how he didn’t deserve her how he slept around; she felt sick to her stomach. “Zack slow down.” Nella mumbled, placing a hand on his, “What are you talking about?” But before she even processed what he had said, his lips were on hers, and his fingers tightened around hers and that feeling in her stomach was lifted and replaced with butterflies.

Before she could even kiss him back or pull him away or slap him, it was over. Just like that. But Nella wouldn’t mind if his lips had lingered a second or two longer.

Nella stared at Zack as his lips left hers. For once, she was at a loss for words. She couldn’t even question what just happened. It had just, happened. To be perfectly honest, she didn’t know what to think about it, either. They were so close; knee touching knee arms brushing arms, his hand on her thigh. Nella even shivered as she felt Zack’s warm breath on her neck.

Close. That’s what they were. Not just physically, but they were bound by something. Nella couldn’t put her finger on what, but they had something. A connection. Is that what you called it? In that moment, Nella knew that he was bullshitting her, he knew more than what he was letting on- he knew more than what he had just confessed to her. Was he even telling the truth about that either? Or was he just lying to her like he had done this whole time? Nella couldn’t tell. But all she knew, at least what she thought she knew as that she had known him, she had to.

Nella shook her head and looked down, moving a small bit away from Zack. “Maybe it’s not okay if I stay here.”

Looking up, she saw a look of disappointment flash across his face, but he wasn’t the one that was supposed to be disappointed right now.

“You, lied to me.” Nella put emphasis on each word, sounding them out, tasting the syllables on her tongue. “You know how helpless I feel right now, and everything’s crazy and I thought you were the only one I could trust and you lied to me.” Nella felt her stomach drop as she said the words a loud and as she realized just what they meant.

As nice as it felt to have somebody who actually knew her name, it felt almost twice as bad to know that, even with him by her side, that she was alone.

“I told you not to lie to me and you did. Why should I trust you now? Why didn’t you do anything about it if you knew I was in so much pain? Where is he now? How do you know he’s not going to come back? Or are you going to lie about that shit too?”
But Nella knew why he had lied to her, she knew it and she had her answer. Zack didn’t care. If he cared he wouldn’t have lied to her, no matter how ugly the truth was. She didn’t care if he was trying to protect her. She wanted answers, real answers. Not just a shrug and a shake of his head.

As much as she didn’t want to trust him, as much as she wanted to get as far away from him as possible, she felt that it would hurt her more to leave than to stay.

Nella looked down at their hands and ran her thumb along his. “What was that?” She whispered, “Why’d you kiss me? Do you just want to screw with my head more? Because it’s working. It’s fucking working.”

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Rae was yelling at her mom, telling her how much of a whore and a slut she was for cheating on Zack when they were together, saying shit about how she didn’t deserve him at all and that she was glad she ended up with Aaron for a sorry excuse for a husband. Which really didn’t make sense because when her mom was with Zack, Zack cheated on her with Rae and now Rae was yelling at her mom for being the slut, which really wasn’t true. The thing that pissed the off the most, though, was that she was just taking it. She didn’t fling back any insults or words, nothing. She just took it. Maybe her head was spinning as much as Maria’s right now, she didn’t know. All she knew was that her mom was just taking the shit Rae told her.

To Maria, Zack got what was coming to him. Aside from her mom and Rae, there was Zack and Aaron, and, trust me, if they weren’t in the doctor’s office right now, one of them would actually have to be in a doctor’s office. Aaron was yelling at Zack telling him that Nella always deserved better than him and he was cheating on her anyways, so he shouldn’t really care that she was screwing around behind his back. Zack was yelling at him saying that he was always the better boyfriend and that he was twice the man Aaron would ever be.

Maria held her head, her eyes were darting all over the room, and the screaming from her parents went in one ear and out the other. She couldn’t tell if she was still dizzy from the blood they had taken from her arm or if she was just too overwhelmed at the moment. All she knew was that she felt like she was either going to throw up or pass out, or maybe both.

“Let’s go.”

Maria stammered, tightening fingers around Adam’s hand. “They won’t notice if we leave. Or care for that matter. I- we just need to get out of here.”

Adam pulled her out of the room, and, honestly, if it wasn’t for him pulling on her hand, she would have stayed in that room, listening to their parents argue for god knows how long. Her feet felt like cement and her body felt like it was on fire. And not the good kind of fire feeling either.

Before she knew it they were back at Adam’s house. His little sister was blasting some god awful music. You know the kind you hear on the radio. And, normally, Maria could handle it, she actually didn’t mind it, but right now, it was pounding on her head with unbearable force.

“I don’t feel so hot.” Maria mumbled, leaning against Adam’s shoulder as he sat her down on the bed next to her.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

"Nella," Zack whispered. "I know I promised I wouldn't lie, but...if you knew who you were, and who you hung around, and what your life was like...you'd thank me. I just want to make this less hellish, y'know?" He bit his lower lip, looking at his feet and bobbing his knee up and down. After an eternity, Zack finally looked up at her. "I...okay. I'll tell you anything." He licked his lips, looking up and then beginning.


"Your name is Nella Alexandria Dickinson. You have an older brother named Christian and one of your good friends is Storm, who's my sister. And Aaron, he's another one of your friends. Or a fuckbuddy...I'm not really sure." He winked. "Hm...lemme think. You really like music and you loved smoking cigarettes on the back porch on summer nights and talking on the phone. I don't really know who you ever talked to, but you seemed content, so I never bothered you." Zack got a questioning look for that one - then he mentally reminded himself - she doesn't know about that. She doesn't know. "You stayed here for a summer, you and Christian. Storm wanted you guys to come over, since I think she's kind of dating Christian but I really don't know if they're dating anymore or not. But, my god, if I learned one thing that summer, it's that both of them are really loud screamers...erm, if you know what I mean." His cheeks turned pink and he looked down.


"Anyway...I lied a little bit. When we were both fifteen, we met in a breakfast cafe and I guess it was just fireworks from there, y'know? Because...here I am with you, almost ten years later. I mean..." He looked down. "Nevermind. We broke up a lot but always got back together. You got into drugs and I didn't want to interfere because...I didn't want to make you upset. The world of drugs was a wasteland, but it was also your only retreat. With heaven above you, there was just hell over me. Either way, I was condemned. Because if I said anything, you'd be upset. And if I didn't, well, I found out that it just destroyed you. God. Well, uh, we were together for a long time and I found out that you self harmed pretty badly." He mumbled, motioning at her wrists. "I wasn't gunna tell you not to, but I promised I'd help you recover. And eventually we got engaged, and married, and I got to go out and follow my dream of making music. And after awhile we found out you were pregnant and I got off tour and we were so excited, but you miscarried." He chewed his lip. "You tried to hurt yourself more and we had to go to therapy and it was a hard time but we got out alive. I went back on tour after a while and once I got home I found out you were pregnant again, and we did our best and we had a baby girl named Maria. And we loved her but it made things harder and after a while your dad came and tried to take her but he didn't. Then she went to live with your mom. Things got better but I started sleeping around a lot." Tears welled up a bit in Zack's eye, but he quickly wiped it away. Couldn't look like a pussy now.


"There was this girl named Rae. We'd slept together before. One night at a show I got really drunk and she took advantage of me, which is basically me saying that I couldn't keep my dick in my pants and I was to drunk to even think about condoms and I got her pregnant. We broke it off, I think, and you just left. That night you got in the car crash, that's the night Rae went into early labor and had our baby boy, Adam. I saw you in the room across and Nella...I just couldn't leave you." He looked down and began breathing heavily.


"God, now you know everything. I've had numerous one night stands and I have two kids, both from different moms. You're my wife, or at least technically. You...you tried to leave me, but it didn't work. It never happened. You still have my last name, but..." He looked at her finger and motioned towards it. "I guess you got rid of the rings. I don't blame you. I just...you asked for the truth, and I gave it to you."


"And the kiss?" Zack said, looking up. "I guess it's just my way of saying that I put you through a lot of bullshit but I want to put it behind."

[bokangavemeabeauner]

After Zack finished his explanation, Nella sat there in silence for a long time. She absorbed his words and somehow, she couldn’t make any sense of them. Her and Zack were together, they were married?

“Zack,” Nella whispered, looking down at her fingers. Her eyes immediately scanned over her left hand, and, like he said, her ring finger was bare. She threw out her wedding ring, her engagement ring, and probably everything else that tied her to him, that night. Maybe she threw it out her car window, or ‘dropped’ it down the sink, or maybe she just left it here and forgot where she put it. Or maybe Zack was lying, again. But the expression on his face right now was to sincere for him to be lying.

“I don’t know what to say.” Nella finally said, biting her lip, looking down. “I don’t know what to tell you. Because, right now, I don’t know if I want to be with you, after everything you’ve told me.” She swallowed, looking over at him and going on. “If it’s true, I don’t think it’d be healthy for me to be in a relationship with you if it caused me so much pain. I don’t even think we can friends after everything we’ve been through. And I’d hate you leave you because of this, but, I don’t really have a huge disagreement towards it either since I don’t remember anything. I don’t think it’d be too hard for you either, me leaving you. I mean, you went through that over a month ago. You must have gone through it hundreds of times with me, it really won’t be any different. It won’t be hard for you to find another girl either, from what you said you still have Rae to go back on. I mean, you two had a kid together she must not be that bad. Plus, Adam needs his dad around.”

“What happened to our daughter though? Do we still go and see her at all? You know, maybe it would be better if I just moved back in with my mom. That way you don’t have to see me anymore, I don’t have to see you, and Maria has at least one of her parents. I mean, if you still want to be in her life, then that’s great. But if you don’t want to, I don’t mind being her only parent. I’ll have my mom to help me out too.”

Nella stood up, balancing on her left foot and reaching down to grab her crutches. “Zack,” Nella mumbled, leaning on them in front of him. “I don’t think I can put that behind me. Sure, you can. It’d be so easy for you to put it behind you because it didn’t happen to you. But it really seems that I had a really shitty life and you were a huge part of it. You did a lot of bad shit to me for a long time and I really don’t think you can just change,” She snapped her fingers, “Like that over night. Sure, you can say you can, and I’m sure you’ve told me you could time after time, but here we are. 10 years later, I was just in a car crash after walking out on you , for what? The hundredth time? Don’t tell someone you can change when you can’t, or won’t in that matter. I really appreciate all you’ve done for me, giving me back a little part of my life and helping me through my time at the hospital but I’m sorry, I can’t see you or be with you anymore. And I know that we’re legally married, but, I don’t really know how these things work but I guess I’ll send you divorce papers, or you can send them to me. But I guess this is it.”

She couldn’t really tell what he was feeling by the look on his face, but, he couldn’t really argue much with her either.

“I’ll just go get my things and call my mom, her number must be around here somewhere, and ask her to pick me up.”

[ofmiceandbrynne]

(I PUT SO MANY LYRICS INTO THIS ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY)

Zack's jaw tightened at Nella's words. "No." He spoke out, his voice cracking. "You're - you're just going to throw me away? You can't." Zack shook his head. "And you think I'm not hurting? It took every part of me to leave Rae. Nella, every time I looked at her, every time I kissed her, every time I touched her - all I saw was you. But we were together for a while, and I did take a liking to her. Do you think it was easy for me to just leave her behind? Yeah, she wasn't you, but we might've had a future together - had another baby, moved to a tiny house near the city to never cross paths ever again. Nella, I'd go mad before that happened. I couldn't picture my life without you." Zack's bottom lip quivered as he reached out his hand, looking up at her. "Our relationship is dysfunctional as hell, but please just give me another chance. I'll fix all of this, yeah? It won't be in a split second, it could take a while. Nella, I swear to God, you're the most wonderful, beautiful thing that's ever - " Zack shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes.


"We're so young. I don't know a lot, I'm pretty damn stupid and I really don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time. But every time you've left, or I've left, I've tried to hold another girl, I've slept around with a different girl every single night but none of them compare to you. I'm not certain about a lot of things right now, but I know that without you, I'd be miserable at best (heheheehehehhe). I'd burn down the house of any guy that ever tried to even touch you. I'd...fuck, don't you see? I know this is dysfunctional. It's a terrible, terrible thing. I've done terrible things to you and there's no way I can take them back. I think about it every single night and, if I could, I'd do anything to fix everything I did. But I can't, y'know? I just..." He shook his head. "...can't."


The look in Nella's eyes killed Zack. He knew she'd be leaving, and all these words coming out of his mouth wouldn't help. But when he really thought about it - what would he do if Nella left? Zack knew the saying that no one is perfect, but Zack swore that Nella was perfect for him. Every inch of her, every little quirk and every little part of her made Zack fall in love again every single day. And the worst thing was, this girl that had been in his life for so long had decided it was over.


"I'll buy you a nice, new house. With tons of bedrooms and windows and a huge living room and a big bed. And I'll gain custody back of Maria for you. And we'll get her a nice big playroom with lots of stuff for her. And we can be near a park or something, and I'll make you dinner every night and I'll take care of the baby when she wakes up at 3am sobbing. I'll kiss you and tell you how much I love you every single day. Nella, run away with me. I know I sound crazy, but...don't you fucking see what you do to me?" Zack shook his head, rubbing his face. "I don't know what else to do. I just want to fix things."

[bokangavemeabeauner]

While everything Zack was saying was sweet, Nella felt nothing, except maybe a twinge of guilt for leaving him behind like this. The way he looked at her, the way he begged her for a straight hour to stay the reasons he was giving her- in all honesty he seemed, looked, and sounded quite pathetic at this point. It was almost painful to watch. Part of her felt bad that she didn’t remember anything, but, most of her felt relieved that she wasn’t pulled back into this life yet again. From the sound of it, she had it pretty fucking rough and she knew, well at least she knew now, that she deserved better than that. Zack deserved better than her. While they seemed to bring out the best in each other, they always brought out the worst. And the worst, at this point, had consumed their relationship and had made it miserable for the both of them. Nella had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, fuck, she was still cut up from the night she left Zack. Zack was an alcoholic who fucked girls left and right and couldn’t stand her but claimed he loved her.
Whatever their relationship was, it had to end and Nella was almost ecstatic she was coming out of it with no regrets.

Sitting back down next to Zack, Nella took his hand in hers and she looked up at him, seeing a spark of hope light up in his eyes.

“Zack..” Nella said, her voice small and soft. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, “But I don’t love you. I know I did at one point, and I know you loved me. But we don’t love each other anymore. You can tell me all you want how much you love me, but, if you truly loved me, you wouldn’t have slept with all of those girls. You wouldn’t have gotten Rae pregnant and you wouldn’t have let me walk out that door the last time we were together. Fuck, I wouldn’t even have had a reason to walk out that door if you really loved me.” Nella looked down, letting her hair cover her eyes, “Zack I’m sorry. But you need to move on, I need to move on. We’re still really young. Fuck, I’m only 23 and I’ve screwed my life up so much already, more than I fucking know. You need to get back out there and keep doing what you do best and you need to make music and do all that shit you told me you loved doing while I was in the hospital.” She bit her lip and stood up, balancing on her good leg and reaching for her crutches yet another time. “I’d like to say I’d come to one of your shows next time you’re in town, but I think it’s better if we weren’t even friends. I think it’s the best choice for the both of us. I’m sorry Zack.”

And after that, Zack stopped begging. He stopped asking her to stay with him. He stopped offering her things that he couldn’t afford and Nella went home. She moved back in with her mom and took care of Maria. Nella didn’t hear from Zack or about Zack since she left Arizona. The last time they had ‘been in contact’ was when he mailed her the last few belongings she had left at ‘their’ house.

-2 years later-

Maria was 6 years old and she started kindergarten last year. Unlike Nella, she was great at making friends and had a play date scheduled every weekend almost every month. Nella loved seeing Maria happy, especially since she was growing up without a dad and she had missed out on the first three years of her life. Maria deserved the best that she could get and Nella was determined to make sure that that’s all she got from now on.
Since she left Zack, she hadn’t even heard his name, except for when Storm and Christian came by and mentioned him once or twice to spark a memory. Other than that, she hadn’t heard how he was doing in a long time and she didn’t even know if he still lived in Arizona or not or if he was on some big headliner tour or living with Rae and raising their baby. And not knowing didn’t really bother her, in fact she could care less what he was doing.

In the two years since she saw Zack, she hadn’t attempted suicide; she hadn’t harmed herself in anyway and had no need for therapy. It was like that car crash was a whole new beginning for her. She felt happy in her own skin for once and everyone could tell.

Along with that, Nella began talking to Aaron a little after a month after she had gotten home. And after a year of being together again, they decided that they actually wanted to ‘be together’ again. And this time, it felt right.

After dropping Maria off for kindergarten one day, Nella met Aaron at a Starbucks in the mall. He had already ordered for her and was waiting with a smile at their usual table.

“Hey.” Nella murmured, sitting down across from him and leaning over to kiss him. When she pulled back, her eye immediately caught a figure sitting only a few tables away from them. He was at least 6`2, hadn’t shaved in at least a week and he looked like a mannequin out of Pac Sun or Zuimez. It was Zack and he was with another girl who she assumed to be Rae.

Thankfully neither of them had noticed her and Aaron yet, but something about him and Rae being together set something off inside of Nella. She wanted him to be happy, but not with her. Not with the girl he cheated on her with and had gotten pregnant. If he was going to take care of anyone’s child, it should be Maria. At least she was planned. At least he loved her.
What was she saying?

Nella shook her head and took a sip of her coffee. She turned her attention back to Aaron, but every so often, she let her eyes wander over to Zack. She couldn’t help it.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

Adam's eyes widened. "Do you need anything? Like..." He chewed on his lip. What do you give people when they're not feeling well? What do you give a dying person? Adam knew she wasn't dying (or at least he hoped she wasn't) - but you can never be too sure. "Like a drink? Or advil? Or some of my dad's marijuana?" Adam saw Maria's eyes widen, and he smirked. "Mmmm, kidding. Actually mine, but don't tell." He held a finger to his lips. "Mommabear would kill me if she knew I was on the devil's lettuce." He whispered.

Emilia's music (One Direction now, AKA the most godawful shit she could've chosen) seemed to be going up higher every second, it was pounding against Adam's what-he-wished-were-soundproof walls. He pounded on the wall hard,  his jaw tightening. "Emilia Rose!" The music didn't go down, or show any signs (sounds) of stopping, so he tried again. "EMILIA ROSE!" He could almost hear her stop dancing as he pounded three times. "Turn that shit off or I'll put a knife through your goddamn head." The music immediately was turned off and Adam smirked. "Better." He couldn't tell if he was talking to Maria or himself more so, but at least he could actually hear himself thinking.


"Anyway." He chewed the inside of his cheek. "M'sorry about all of that. My family's quite dysfunctional, especially my dad. And my mom. And my sister, too." He shrugged his shoulders, smirking. "You don't know how many times I've left and they haven't noticed. I've gone for days at a time and Rae won't notice. 'Probably at a friend's house.' Or some dumb shit like that. I've had ex-girlfriends, while they were still my girlfriends obviously, literally move in. And stay with me in my room for days at a time. And my parents didn't even notice, let alone care. Everyone thinks it'd be so awesome to have parents who just don't give a damn, but it really sucks, y'know?" Adam pursed his lips.


But just as quick as the mask had melted off, it was right back on. He smirked. "But I'm not supposed to care, right? Right. So I don't."


Adam's phone began buzzing and he jumped. "Gotta stop keeping that damn thing so close to my balls." He murmured, pulling it out of his pocket and hitting 'accept.' "Yeah? No. Suck my dick. Yes, I realize that would be incest, that's the whole point, mummabear. Anyway, what do you want? No, I'm not hungry. No. He is? Go buy him some jewelry or something. That always works when you're sad. Really? Yeah, Yeah, okay. Maybe. Bye."


He looked up at Maria. "That was Rae. Zack's really crushed about this whole thing, and Rae's taking him out so she can trick herself and him into thinking that their relationship wasn't just a mistake, and wasn't just because I happened. Which, it is, but that's beside the point." He chewed on his bottom lip. "Anyway, they won't be home tonight."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

Zack ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated as hell. "Okay, but Rae. You can't say that. You can't say he has my goddamn eyes, because 1. I've seen pictures of him on Facebook and he doesn't. 2. Holy shit, you're trying to make me feel guilty and I can't do that. I can't, okay? I'm happy. I promise. I know Adam doesn't have a dad around, but that's better for him. Neither does Maria, and that's a better thing. They don't need me. They're both better off without me. Growing up without a dad, I won't deny that it sucks sometimes. Fathers' Day at school? Yeah, that's going to suck and I'm beyond sorry that that has to happen. But he'll get over it. Really. I did. Rae, he doesn't even know me. Even if I was around? I'd be the most godawful father there was. Really." He chewed his lip, looking over at Rae. Her blonde hair fell into her face, her bright pink lips pursed together while she played with her fingers, staring straight at him. "Please, don't do this. I'm finally doing what I want." But she wouldn't stop looking at him like that. And, no matter what, she wouldn't speak a single word.


"Rae, Adam was a mistake. I didn't want him, you didn't want him. Let's face it, okay? I'm sorry that happened. I really am. I know being drunk isn't an excuse, but I was visibly drunk. You had to practically carry me to your car and our intercourse that night was probably the shortest intercourse I've ever had in my entire life. If I had to choose between Adam and Maria? I'd choose Maria. And it's nothing personal, it's just that she was planned. I wanted her. I loved her. But I'm not in her life, and that's not my choice. The same way I'm not in Adam's life, and it's not your choice. I want to be able to purse my own happiness. I'm getting older. I've wasted enough time. It's time for me to be happy."


Rae looked Zack straight in the eye. "Do you even love me?"


Zack hesitated.


"And that's exactly why I left you, Zack. Because if you did, if you really loved me? You wouldn't have to hesitate. It'd be an immediate yes. After you came back to me, I was willing to take you back after you left me and the baby. I knew I could do it all again, and I knew I'd most likely feel the same pain. And, you know, I think you're just someone who's better off alone. I really do, and I wish you well. I just find it unfair that your own son will have to grow up thinking his father is dead." And with that, Rae stood up and left. Zack didn't even protest. He wanted the bitch gone,


He sat at the table a bit longer, scrolling through Facebook. He didn't really have anything better to do - the band was in this city for another two days, on a break, and the other guys were out doing whatever. Rae had called and asked to talk to him - and after thinking he'd get another chance (which it wasn't - Rae already had a new boyfriend) - he ditched the band and went to hang out with her. But it had turned into something completely different - but it was to be expected.


Zack scrolled through his contacts, looking for someone to text while he finished his drink, and stumbled across a name he hadn't seen in ages. Nella. It even had a tiny heart next to it ((faggot xo)). He'd never made the note to delete that. Obviously, he'd scrolled past it plenty of times, but he'd never had the heart to actually get rid of it. It had been two, maybe three years since they'd talked - honestly, Zack had lost track. But, he figured, fuck it. What had he to lose? He tapped her contact, typing in a message.


hey. i know you probably don't want me talking to you, and you're better off, but i'm in town for the next two days and i was just wondering if i could drop by and see maria. i have a birthday present for her that i never got around to mailing and i just miss her a lot. nella. i miss you. i know it's wrong and i shouldn't, but i just want to see you. not in a romantic way, not anything - i won't even go near you if you don't want. just in a friendly way. just to say hi. i need to see you. just for ten minutes. and then i'll leave you alone. you've probably deleted my contact, so i'm really sorry if you don't know who this is. but i have a feeling you might, regardless of if you've deleted the contact or not. -zack


Zack was too oblivious to even notice Nella's text tone go off just a few tables over.

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