Re: Me and Yoda c:

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I chewed my lip, looking up at him and letting my hair fall into my face. I put my arms around him, closing my eyes and putting my head on my shoulder. This was really it. I thought that when I told him goodbye two years ago, that would be it. But...when I saw him in that cafe, and I figured out it didn't have to be the last time...I realized...I loved him more than anything in the world. I was trying to trick myself into thinking that I was really happy when I wasn't. And that sucked.

And now I'd done something I'd regret later. God, I felt so guilty. If Cameron found out...he'd be so upset. Alesana would grow up without her mom, and whenever she'd ask Cameron where I'd gone...he'd have to tell her the same freaking story every time. "She left when you were younger, sweetie. But it's okay now, I promised her I'd take care of you no matter what happened." And then he'd smile softly and hug her, and distract her by offering her a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Eventually, her mind would drift away from the thought that I was gone, and I wasn't coming back. It would be reality for her that her mom wasn't there. And as much as I wanted to be with Christian...I couldn't do that to Alesana. I just couldn't. Before I knew it, I would forget about Christian for good. Maybe sometimes I'd hear from Nella that he'd found somebody to spend his life with, maybe I'd hear from her that he'd been following his dreams and he was living his life. And I'd just spend the rest of my life, dissatisfied, wishing I hadn't left...

Dammit, maybe I shouldn't have ever come over to see him in the first place. I'd just messed everything up for myself.

I looked up at him. "I-I'm sorry." I choked out, biting my lip and looking down. I looked up at him, opening my mouth to say something else, but hesitantly stopped myself. No, don't say anything else. You'll just mess it all up, even more than it already was. You'd just mess it all up. I shook my head, walking away. "Just...don't forget me, okay?" I held in a tear as I walked out of his apartment, getting into my car and sitting there for a moment, numbly.

I'd really done it. That was the last time I'd ever see Christian.

I went home, walking in the door and faking a smile. "Hey, babe, I'm home." I said, trying to keep my voice from cracking. You dirty little liar, you don't love him. You don't love Cameron, just face it. He stood at the top of the stairs, cradling Alesana. He looked down at me, smiling softly.

"So, how was your day?" He asked, going down the stairs slowly, careful not to drop Alesana. He handed our sleepy daughter to me, and her eyes popped open, looking up at me, cooing. I cradled her, looking up at him and smiling back.

"It was great, how was your daddy daughter day?" I asked.

"Great," He said, smiling down at me. He cradled my face in his hands and pecked my lips softly. "You're so damn adorable, you know that?" He murmured.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella yawned, opening her eyes and seeing that Zack was already awake. "I love you so much.." She muttered, wrapping her arms around his bare chest and pulling him closer. "I love you." She said, closing her eyes and leaning her head next to his. "But you can't stay here, and you know that. You have to go back to California. I'm not letting you give that up." Nella opened her eyes to see Zack with a confused expression on his face. Why would she want him to go back? After all the shit that just happened? After all the shit she just forgave him for? "I want you to be happy." She added quickly, biting her lip, "The way you were talking about it last night. I've never seen you talk about something like that. You looked so..happy. And I know I won't see that smile again unless you go back out there and sing your lungs out on that stage. It's only one more week. I can handle it..I promise."She said, leaning over to give him a long drawn out kiss. "I trust you." She said against his lips, "and I love you."

An hour or two later, Zack was shrugging on his jacket, a bag at his feet(probably half filled with hair supplies) and his guitar leaning against the wall. Nella walked into the hall way in a plaid shirt and a pair of shorts, her hair was down and she looked at Zack with complete satisfaction. He was hers, Nella finally realized that. He was hers and he loved her. She walked over to him and laced her arms around his neck, "I'll see you in a week." Nella said, kissing him, "I miss you already."

~~Two Months Later~~

Nella rolled over for about the tenth time tonight. God, she had to pee again? She didn't even drink that much yesterday. Nella looked the clock, seeing that it was only two a.m, she moaned. Obviously, she wasn't getting any sleep tonight. Nella bit her lip and looked at the ceiling, this was a little out of the usual. When she was younger, Nella was never the type to wake up in the middle of the night, even if the house was burning down or music was full blast, Nella could always sleep through it no matter what. There was only one reason that this was happening. Nella bit her lip, no, she couldn't be. Sitting up, she ran her fingers through her hair and picked up her phone on the night table. Seeing that she had a text from Zack, who was away for two weeks touring god knows where(He'd be back in two days woOOP), she smiled and dismissed it clicking on the calendar. Going back two months, Nella grew still. Two months late. She couldn't be, she was too young, Nella wasn't ready for this. She couldn't be pregnant.

The next day, Nella threw he hair up into a quick pony tail, threw on a pair of skinnies and and plaid shirt, Nella got in her car and drove to CVS. She had to make sure, she couldn't bug Zack when he was away and then have it not even be true. After all, if Nella even suggested that she was pregnant, Zack would put the whole tour on hold and come home until the baby was here.

Making her way through the isles, she bit her lip and picked up a pregnancy test. God, this felt so weird. She had just turned twenty two weeks ago. This couldn't be happening. She had just started her life and now she was supposed to be in charge of another?

After paying for it, and getting a few disapproving and disappointed glances from the old ladies who saw her buy it, Nella went home. Swiftly, she made her way up to the bathroom and locked the door. Even though nobody was home, Nella didn't want anyone walking in seeing it.

thEN SHE PEED ON THE STICK AND iTTOlD hER SHe wAS prEGNANT

Nella's eyes got wide and she ran her fingers through her hair. "No." She said, shaking her head. "I can't be. This can't be happening. We just got married, he just started his music career. I can't be pregnant. This'll fuck everything up." Nella bit her lip and put the test back in the box. "I can't do this." She muttered, putting her head in her hands.

Later that night, Nella dialed Zack's number and kept praying that he wouldn't pick up. "Don't pick up, Don't pick up, Don't pi-" Zack's smooth and excited voice sounded out of the speakers, 'Hey Nella.' He said, sounding excited to talk to her. He went on telling her how many kids came to their show tonight and how happy he was. "Zack.." She tried interrupting, but he kept going on. "Zack, I'm pregnant." She blurted out, closing her eyes and instantly regretting it.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

"ZACK!" There was a knock on the door, and then a pause. "ZACK, WAKe THE FUCK UP. WE HAVE TO GO TO THE VENUE." I groaned, rolling out of bed, still in my clothes from last night. Suddenly, Jeyy came in the door, suddenly breaking out laughing at the sight of me on the floor, still half asleep. After he was done laughing, he kicked me, and I looked up. I sat up, pouting, and raised an eyebrow. I stretched, standing up and walking into the bathroom.

"Give me ten minutes." I mumbled, locking the door behind me and slipping on a new pair of jeans along with a new shirt. I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing at the thought that I wouldn't even be able to straighten it today. I threw a gray beanie over my messy hair, leaving my dirty clothes on the floor and walking back into the room. Grabbing my phone, I shoved it in my back pocket and walking outside, where the guys were waiting. Aidan glared at me, being the one that loved to be early. It was obvious we weren't going to be; I could tell you that without even looking at the clock. He turned, pressing the button on the elevator and anxiously tapping his foot as he waited for it to arrive. As soon as it did, we all piled in, pressing the 'Main Level' button and waiting.

Once we got to the venue, our rehearsal ran past quickly, and before I knew it, people started piling in anxiously, talking amongst themselves. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket, running my fingers through my hair and checking Twitter. My mentions were full of "I love you's" and "can't wait to see you tonight's." I grinned, replying to a few of them, and instantly hearing reactions outside. I chuckled, going through the tweets until a security officer came towards us and nodded, meaning that we could go out when we were prepared. I headed behind my bandmates, letting them run out and hearing the screams of sexually frustrated teenagers. What can I say. We're hawt. (get oVER YOURSELF) After a few moments, I ran out, and the screams got even louder. I chuckled, playing the first notes of our opening song.

The night was pretty typical for one of our shows. A few girls tried to stage dive, 4 people passed out, and one girl even asked me to marry her. Chuckling, I politely denied her request and told her I already had a gorgeous wife. She frowned, but gave me a big hug and I let her sing a part of our last song. That had to have made her night, at least. Even if I couldn't marry her.

We were soon back at the hotel. I hopped into the shower quickly, rinsing out the sweat and blood (just kidding or was I) that came with a show every night. I got out, throwing on a pair of jeans and drying off my hair. I sat on the bed, scrolling through my phone. Suddenly, it began vibrating. I smiled to myself. It was Nella. I anxiously hit the "Accept" button, holding it up to my ear.

"Hey, Nella." I chewed my lip. "God, I wish you could be out here. It's so cool to be touring. It's amazing, actually. We keep getting more and more people at our shows, it's so cool." I babbled on about what it was like to be on tour, and what we'd been doing the past few days. But suddenly, she said something that made all of the color drain from my face.

I chewed my lip. I exhaled, shutting my eyes and looking at the ceiling. "You're...pregnant?" I ran my fingers through my hair. "Please tell me this is a joke, Nella. Fuck. I'm not ready." I let out a shaky breath, my knee bobbing up and down anxiously. "I mean...if you're not kidding, I'm excited, but...I'm not ready. I can't do this." I shook my head. She had to be joking. I opened my mouth. Was that sobbing I heard on the other end? "Do you need me to come home? Because I can. The next flight home leaves in about..." I paused, searching it on my phone. "It leaves in about two hours. I can come home if you need." I chewed my lip, waiting for her to answer me.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella closed her eyes and blew out a shaky breath, "I'm being completely serious." She said, wiping the tears that started trailing down her cheeks. "Remember the night you came home from California for the first time?" Nella asked, running her fingers through her hair and sitting down on the couch, "I'm almost positive I'm two months pregnant." Biting her lip, she started crying again. "I'm not ready, Zack. I don't want kids yet. I can't be a mom. Fuck, I don't even know how to take care of myself." Nella choked out in-between sobs. "This can't be fucking happening. And, you only have two days left. I'll be fine. It's not like the babies going to come seven months early." Nella said, with a shaky laugh, "Dammit, I am so not ready for this."

After about an hour on the phone with Zack, he finally got her to stop crying telling her that they'd get through it together that she wouldn't have to go through it alone. But, Nella was mostly worried about how much it would hurt. Didn't women die during childbirth? She moaned and fell back on the couch, her head in her hands. "I can't do this.." Wouldn't abortion be so much easier? To just get rid of it like it never happened? But, she knew, that her and Zack would regret it as long as they lived if Nella went through with Abortion. She just couldn't kill a baby. She couldn't kill her baby. Nella bit her lip, "God, I hope I'll be a good mom.." She whispered, closing her eyes and falling asleep.

The day Zack got back, Nella couldn't stop pacing in front of the door. They had so much to talk about, and the fucking baby was seven months away. There were names, the room, how much time he had to take off tour. But as much as she was worrying about this, Nella was also really excited to see Zack. She hadn't seen him, hugged him, kissed him in two whole weeks. Nella knew that when he went big time, though, that he'd be away much longer so she had to be thankful for the time that they got together.

As the door knob turned, Nella stopped pacing and stared at the door. Zack came in and Nella ran into his arms. "I missed you." She muttered into his chest, holding him tight. He kept asking her questions like if she was alright, when, she felt sick to her stomach. Literally morning sickness was a pain in the ass and she was puking all morning. "I am so fucking scared." She muttered, looking up at him. "I'm not ready, I won't be a good mom. I can't do it." She whispered, biting her lip and closing her eyes. "God we're so god damn stupid."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I held Nella, swaying back and forth with her in my arms and resting my head on top of hers. I still couldn't face the fact that I was going to be a dad this young. I mean...sure, I was excited and all, but I'd probably have to give up touring. As much as I loved Nella, I didn't know if I was ready to give that all up yet. I was just getting started with my life, and then this happened. ((THATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DONT WEAR A DICK RAINJACKET ZACK)) I rubbed her back, shutting my eyes and hushing her. "Shhh...I know you can do it." I murmured into her hair, "When have I let you down? I'm scared too, but we're going to stick together, okay? I'm not going to leave you. I'll stay here." I hushed her, holding her in my arms until she had calmed down a bit.

I let go, holding her hands tightly and looking down at her. "Look, I know you're scared as hell, but try to think of the positive stuff." I smiled softly down at her. "We get to argue over names, we get to paint his or her bedroom together, we can have a baby shower and invite all of your friends, and make them buy us expensive shit we could never afford." I laughed to myself, smiling crookedly at her. Honestly, I wasn't as positive as I probably appeared to be right now. But I had to stay positive for Nella's sake. I couldn't just show her how scared I actually was. Then she'd freak out all over again, and I couldn't watch her cry again. It hurt like hell to watch her cry, and it hurt even more to know I really couldn't do anything about it other than cradle her in my arms until she had calmed down.

"We'll get through this together, I promise." I whispered in her ear. But honestly? I wasn't so sure.


((IM SORRY THIS SUCKS MY MOM WAS YELLING AT ME TO GO TO BED UGH. IF U NEED ME TO EDIT LEMME KNOW~~~~))

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella sat down on the couch and put her hands in her lap. Staring up at Zack, she whispered, "I know you don't want a kid right now just as much as I do." Looking down, she sighed and took a deep breath. "And I know if we..go through with it..You'll feel the need to quick touring and help me raise it, her, him with me." Nella bit her lip, "I could always get an abortion you know.." She knew, right when those words left her lips, that Zack would never in his life let her do that, but, it would honestly be the best thing for them right now. "Or we could put her or him up for adoption...I mean." Nella bit her lip and looked up at Zack. "God, Zack. I'm just not ready for waking up at two A.M to change a diaper, or making sure I bring them to school on time, or making sure I strap them into the car the right way unless I get into a crash. I'm not ready to spend my whole day at a park pushing them down the slide or on a swing for hours. I can't do it."

Closing her eyes, Nella took another shaky breath. "Come here." Nella mumbled, patting the spot next to her for Zack. Once he sat down, Nella crawled into his lap and wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in the crook of his neck. "I lied, I know neither of those are options. I was just..scared. I know I won't be a good mom, and I knew you wouldn't be ready for it either." Pulling away, Nella bit her lip. "I kinda hope it's a boy." She said, looking down, smiling through her tears, "Because then he'd grow up to be a great man like his father."

Nella looked up at him and sighed, "I'm sorry about all of this." Nella mumbled, running her fingers through her hair and cuddling closer to him. "I just fucked everything up. Again." They laid in silence for a minute, occasionally grabbing for each others hands and giving it a light squeeze then and now, "What would you wanna name it if it's a girl?" Nella asked, playing with the hem of his shirt. "Do you want it to be a girl or a boy?" She bit her lip and sighed.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I looked up at Nella, squeezing her hands and shrugging. "I dunno, I never really thought about it." I paused. That was quite truthful, I never had thought about it. I was never one to picture myself as a father figure. Honestly, I had never wanted kids at all. Maybe if I was a bit older I would have a different opinion, but now, it was mostly that I wasn't ready...honestly, if I were to be the father to anybody's child, then Nella would be my first choice. So at least that went right. I mean, not that I'm out and about sleeping with every girl...actually, Nella was the only girl I ever had slept with. I guess that just showed that I really loved her - more than I'd ever loved anybody.

Finally, after a few seconds of debating, I looked back up at her and smiled softly. "I kind of hope it's a girl, that way I'll have a mini Nella running around." I smiled crookedly, chuckling to myself. "Plus, I can embarrass her all the time." I smiled, squeezing Nella's hands. "Come on, I'm just kidding. I'll only embarrass her a little bit." But honestly, I wasn't kidding. That was the whole fun of being a parent, wasn't it? ((hahahaha no zack go away)) I just hoped I'd be a decent dad to my kid, because honestly, this just went to prove I wasn't very good at decision making. We obviously hadn't planned on this at all...but I knew we'd make it out somehow. In all honesty, while I was nervous as hell, I was actually a bit excited, too.

I hugged Nella tightly, murmuring "I love you's" into her dark hair. After a long period of hugging, I let go, looking up at her. "I'm going to stay home with you for these next seven months. I'll be here the whole time, okay? And once they're born, I won't leave your side then, either. I'm going to stay here and we're going to raise our family." I kissed her forehead, wrapping my arms around her.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella sighed and leaned in to give him a kiss, "Zack.." She muttered, kissing him again. She leaned her forehead against his and laced her arms around his neck. "Zack..you don't have to do that. I don't need you to babysit me..not just yet. Maybe when I get really super fat that I can't see my toes." Smiling, she pulled away and lifted her shirt up to her chest to reveal her slight baby bump. "I donno." She said, biting her lip. "I guess I'm kind of excited." Looking down at her stomach, she smiled imagining her and Zack raising kids together. Sure, they wouldn't get as much alone time as they do now, sure, Zack would insist on staying home rather than going out touring. "Can you promise me something?" Nella asked, looking up at Zack and biting her lip. "I don't want you to give up touring for this. For her. She wouldn't want you too. You'll be home enough to help me raise her. It's not like you're walking out on us." Nella bit her lip and leaned in to give him another kiss, "Tell you what, you have another month of touring starting next week, right? When you get back we can paint the baby's room and and go out shopping for baby clothes and everything. I just don't want you to give up what you love."

A month later, Nella placed the cans of yellow paint she had bought just a couple days ago on the floor of her future babies room. A smile spread across her face. A month ago when she told Zack about her being pregnant, they had finally accepted the idea that they were going to be parents, that they would have to change their whole lives for their baby, they started to get excited about. Every night after he left, Zack called her asking if she was okay, if she was taking care of herself, and everything. She kept saying that she was fine over and over again that it started becoming routine.

Hearing the door open downstairs, Nella got excited, running out of the baby's room and down the stairs into Zack's arms, her baby bump keeping them a few inches apart "I missed you."Nella said into his chest, leaning up on her tippy-toes to kiss him. "Come on, I already got everything ready."Nella said excitedly, taking his hand and pulling him up the stairs. "I got the paint and everything." She bit her lip and pulled her hair up into a pony tail. "I love you.." She said, taking his hands and pulling him close to her.

Handing him a paint brush, Nella opened the can of paint and dipped her brush in. "Ready?" She asked, biting her lip.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

AW HE'S SO PRECIOUS DBSDLJBLJS

As soon as I walked in the door, I dropped all of my bags were they were and hugged Nella. I kissed the top of her head, and looked down at her stomach. "You got a bit bigger," I chuckled, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing her. Now, it was a bit more normal to not be seeing her as often, but it still hurt me that I couldn't be around. I wondered if she thought about me the way I thought about her when I lay in a hotel bed by myself. I wondered if she ever got lonely the way I did, or she ever missed me. Although we talked on the phone every single night, it really just wasn't the same as being able to hold her, while sitting on the couch and watching an old movie with her. It just didn't feel right sleeping in a hotel bed all by myself without her right next to me.

We ran upstairs, her pulling my hand excitedly. We had both finally wrapped our minds around the thought that we were actually going to be parents, and actually, things were going quite well. Although there was still that lingering sense of nervousness, I was pretty excited to be painting the baby's room and buying new clothes for it. I was ready to spoil my child and give them all the love I never really felt when I was younger. Plus, they'd have to feel cool being my kid, right? Being as awesome as I am, I'm pretty sure anyone would be pretty stoked to be my kid. ((arrogant much zack))

As we got into the room that would be for our baby, I saw that Nella was ready for painting. I could tell she was excited by the way she had already spread out the tarps, opened the paint cans, and had even gotten two clean brushes ready. She'd picked a bright shade of yellow, and personally, I couldn't have picked a better color. "I like the color, babe." I commented, smiling crookedly and kissing her lightly.

I smirked and nodded, dipping my brush into the paint. "I'll do the honors." I began stroking, up and down.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

It took them about four hours to paint the room, the whole time they were talking about baby names, arguing about weather they wanted it to be a girl or a boy, and just random shit that always slipped this way into their conversations. Putting down her brush, Nella smiled at the walls, and looked over at Zack, paint on her face, arms and even a little in her hair. "It's perfect." She said, biting her lip. "Zack." Nella said, taking his hands in hers and looking down. "I love you and I couldn't imagine having this baby with anyone else but you." She gave his hands a squeeze and gave him a kiss. "I love you." She murmured against his lips, lacing her arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

After taking shower and eating a little something, Nella said, "I think I'm gunna go to bed a little early." She muttered, running her fingers through her hair, "I don't feel so good...I'm just gunna go lay down." Sighing, Nella trudge up the stairs to their bedroom, passing the babies on the way up. Nella smiled as she peered in, "He's gunna love it."She whispered to herself walking into their room and laying down.

An hour later, Nella could feel Zack shaking her, begging her to wake up. "What?" She moaned, pulling a pillow over her head and shooing Zack away. "I told you, I don't feel good." Zack pulled the pillow off of her head and sat her up. "Nella, Nella, what's wrong?" He had tears in his eyes and he had a phone in his hands, a voice asking 'What is your emergency sir?' Zack brought the reciever up to his ear and said, "Yes, Hello. My wife's pregnant and..I don't know something went wrong there's blood all over the bed and I'm scared that something happened to the baby." Nella looked up at Zack confused, "What are you talking about?" She moaned, pulling the covers away from her, that's when she saw it. She was sitting in a pool of blood, her own blood. "What the fuck.." Nella said, her eyes starting to water.

"Is the baby going to be okay?" She asked as the EMT's rushed into the room. None of them answered her, they were busy yelling to each other about what IV's to put in her arm and to get her out of here ASAP. "What's going on?" Nella asked, trying to sit up on the gurney. "Is my baby going to be okay?" Zack kept telling her that it was going to be okay and let them do their work but she could see him crying. "What's going on, is my baby going to be okay?" She choked out with a sob. "I didn't do anything wrong did I?"

Once they were at the hospital, they rushed her into the ER, doctors giving her a sorrowful face as the EMT's whispered their diagnostic of her. "What's wrong? Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?" Nella asked, sitting up. "Is my baby going to be alright?" The doctor looked at her and bit her lip, "We don't know, Nella. We think you might've had a miscarriage." All the color drained from her face, she started nervously laughed, "No...I'm just dreaming right? We just painted the baby room tonight...she can't be dead..I'm just dreaming." She said, nervously laughing. The doctor shook her head and motioned for someone to give her a pain killer to knock her out(idk deal) "I didn't do anything wrong though.." Nella whimpered as she blacked out.

Nella woke up in the hospital room, Zack sitting next to her his hand holding hers. He looked like he had just stopped crying. "Zack..what happened?" She whispered, trying to sit up. Nella felt a horrible pain in her stomach and she whimpered. "Zack, what's going on? Is she going to alright? Nothing happened right?" Nella bit her lip and squeeze Zack's hand. "Zack answer me." But he just looked down at his shoes. That only got her angrier. "Dammit Zack, why the fuck won't you tell me what happened?" Letting go of his hand she gritted her teeth and looked down, "I don't even know why we're here. I'm fine. The babies fine. I didn't do anything wrong." Nella looked up at him, tears welling up in her eyes. "She's okay..right? Just tell me.."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

After we had finished painting the baby's room, Nella had told me she wasn't feeling well and had headed up to the bedroom. But something had to be up. It'd been at least four hours, and even though Nella slept for long periods of time, I didn't think she'd ever slept for this long. I chewed my lip, getting up from the couch. I just wanted to make sure she was okay, y'know? Even though I knew she was, and she had to be tired, I just wanted to peek in the door for that extra level of reassurance. I walked upstairs, step by step, until I got to the top. I stopped at the baby's room, looking in. I leaned against the doorframe and smiled softly. The smell of paint immediately hit me; I scrunched up my nose, but still looked into the small room. I couldn't wait to go shopping for a crib, and things to fill the walls along with all kinds of clothes. We were beginning to prepare, and whether we liked it or not, the baby would be here before we knew it.

I left the baby's room, heading for our bedroom and twisting the doorknob slowly. Still, it made a small creek, but Nella didn't seem to notice; she was still sleeping. But, upon closer inspection..I saw that our normally white sheets were colored a dark crimson color. It almost looked like blood. I chewed my lip. It's just a trick of the light, I told myself. There's no way that could be blood. No fucking way. But still, I tiptoed closer to the bed.

My mouth gaped open, my eyes watering slightly. I turned on the bedside lamp, shaking Nella hastily. She had to be okay. She had to. "Nella, wake up." I said, and after she didn't wake up the first time, I repeated it. Except louder. Finally, her eyes opened drowsily, a look of frustration crossing her face. I grabbed the phone off the nightstand and dialed 911, chewing my lip and trying not to let my eyes water. Now that I knew Nella was okay...it had to have something to do with the baby. The baby had to be okay. I couldn't let go of that now.

The next few hours went by in a blur. An ambulance showed up and put Nella on a gurney and I followed, not grabbing anything but my phone from the counter and slipping on some shoes. I followed closely behind the EMTs, and got into the ambulance with Nella. I clutched her hand tightly, taking deep breaths. No. This couldn't be happening. It would be all my fault if we lost the baby. It would be because I hadn't been there to take care of her, to make sure she was eating enough. If we lost the baby, it would be all on me.

After they had hooked her up to the necessary IV fluids, they left her to rest for a while. I sat there, clutching her limp hand with my head down. I was still waiting to hear the word on what had happened. They had quickly taken her in, given her different fluids, taken some tests and then they were gone, just like that. I'd been sitting here for almost two hours, waiting, but nothing had happened. I'd been sitting here, clutching her hand and watching her sleep, hearing her stir every once in a while. God dammit, she was so adorable.

Suddenly, a nurse came in, cradling a clipboard. She looked at me, her face pale. She motioned for me to come forward, looking at Nella in the bed. I followed her out into the hallway, and I tapped my foot, looking at her. She looked up at me.

"Is the baby okay?" I asked, a pleading look in my eyes.

She chewed her lip, looking at me in the eye. "Mr. Dickinson, I'm terribly sorry, but your wife has had a miscarriage." She paused for a moment, letting the news sink in. God, what had I done wrong? My mouth gaped open at the news, trying to hold in the tears that were about to begin pouring down my face. I wasn't going to be a dad. My baby was gone. Forever. My little girl or boy would never exist, I'd never hold them in my arms. I'd never watch them take their first steps, or say their first words. I'd never teach them to ride a bike, or teach them to drive. "It was a faulty placenta, the fetus wasn't getting enough nutrients, the poor thing." She hesitated once more. "I'm sorry for your loss." She looked at me, and then walked away, leaving me to walk back into the room numbly.

It was all my fault. Nella hadn't been relaxing enough while I was gone. I should've been there for her, she should've been able to rest more and I should've been there to cook for her while she took a nap or read a book. I should've. But I hadn't, and this was what had happened. I was such a huge fuck up.

An hour or so later, Nella woke up. She wanted to know what happened, she demanded answers. I looked up at her after a second, biting my lip. My voice faltered. "Nella...we lost the baby." My body broke out in sobs, shaking. I squeezed her hand, giving her a hug and taking a deep breath. "We can try again, Nella. At first I didn't think I was ready for this...but I realized that I was. I want to start a family with you, okay? We can try again if you want."

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Looking at Zack, she shook her head and started nervously laughing, "Zack if this is a joke it's not funny." Her lip quivered and she sat up, wincing at the pain in her stomach, "The babies fine. I didn't do anything wrong. She's fine." Tears started to roll down her cheeks, "She..she can't be gone.." Nella whispered, her voice cracking. "We just painted her room..we were going to go buy her clothes today. She can't be.." Nella laughed nervously again and wiped the tears forming in her eyes. "She's fine." But now Nella knew, but the look in Zack's eyes, that he wasn't lying. He wasn't joking. The baby was gone and she was just trying to convince herself that she was still here. In her stomach, healthy as could be.

"This isn't happening." Nella whimpered, the tears rolling down her cheeks and her sight getting blurry. "Is it because I didn't want her? Did God decide to pull a sick fucking joke on me and take her away from me when I finally got excited about it? When I wasn't scared about it? This isn't fucking fair!" Nella yelled, slamming her fists down on the bed. "I did everything I had to and this is what happens?" She shook her head and buried her face in her hands, "No." She whispered, choking on her sobs, "No."

What did she do wrong? Sure, she wasn't eating as much as she used to, but she didn't know what was healthy for the baby or not. "Zack.." Nella cried, crawling into his lap, "I didn't do anything wrong." She cried into his chest.

An hour or two later, Zack had finally calmed Nella down, and she had fallen asleep again after another heavy dose of pain killers. A nurse walked in and motioned for Zack to follow her, "She'll be ready to go home first thing tomorrow morning. But, you shouldn't allow her to do anything physical. Nella still needs a lot of rest, and, if you need any help or counseling just call the hospital and we can give you our best grief counselors and set you up an appointment when Nella's feeling up to it." Her mouth was kept in a straight line as she peered in at Nella again, "Again, I am really sorry for your loss. Try to comfort her as best as possible. She'll need it." The nurse walked away, the clicking of her heels sounding throughout the quiet hall.

Nella woke up to Zack, staring at her. His eyes looked as if he hadn't slept in days. They had only been here the night though, right? He couldn't have stayed up all night to watch her. The sight of him made her want to start crying all over again. That she was the one that ruined all of this. Only if she was eating right. Only if she was doing the right precautions to make sure their baby was the healthiest it could ever be. She'd start crying, but the truth was, Nella didn't have anymore tears left in her. She didn't have the strength to sob all over again. She didn't have the ambition she try again. She didn't even want to try anymore.

"Zack." Nella mumbled, pushing her hair out of her face. She felt incredibly numb all over. Nella didn't even want to think about trying again. The thought of this happening again terrified her. "Can we go home?" She whispered.

The whole ride home, Nella stared out the window. Neither of them saying a word to each other. A miscarriage. She had a miscarriage, Nella sniffled and closed her eyes, leaning her head on Zack's shoulder. Right now, she regretted even the thought of an abortion or adoption. All she wanted was to come home from the hospital with her baby girl in her arms. She wanted to sing her to sleep and play airplane with her food. She wanted to call Zack while he was on tour and tell him about all the cute things that she did that day. "Taylor.." Nella whispered, squeezing her eyes shut trying to picture her little girl running around their yard, "Her name would have been Taylor."

When they got home, Zack insisted carrying her in, opening her door and coming to bed with her. Making her soup and everything you would do when someone had a cold or something like that. Nella was silent. "I don't care."She muttered, closing her eyes and letting him carry her inside. As he placed her delicately on the couch, Nella closed her eyes and pulled a pillow close to her chest. "I wouldn't even have been a good mom...so why does it matter?" She whispered to herself, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch to keep her warm. "She would have hated me.."

Looking up at Zack, Nella reached for his hand. "Can you lay down with me?" She asked, making room for him and opening her arms, "Please? I don't want to sleep alone tonight..I just.." Nella shut her mouth as Zack laid down next to her. Cuddling close to him, Nella buried her face in the crook of his neck and squeeze her eyes shut. "We don't have to have a baby.." She mumbled, "I know you don't want to stop touring and you'd only be worrying about us all the time." Nella sighed and propped herself up, looking down into his eyes, "Losing her..." Nella felt the tears welling up in her eyes again and she could feel the sobs shaking her chest, "I want to try again Zack. I know it'll be hell. I know we probably won't be the best parents but..the thought of her running around our house. Painting her room..it made me happy. Happier than I ever was before, like I was actually meant for something. Like I could be responsible for something as beautiful as our little girl coming into this world." Nella wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shirt, "I am so sorry." She gasped, her body shaking from the cries, "I am so sorry. It's all my fault."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

"Stop," I told her, grabbing her firmly by the shoulders, "She would not have hated you. She would've loved you so much, you would've been her best friend. I have no doubt in my mind that you would've been the best mother to her, okay?" I lifted up the blanket slightly, seeing Nella's limp body huddled against the couch. I sighed. This was just too much right now. I couldn't bear the thought that our little girl wasn't ever going to exist. She had, briefly, but I'd never get to meet her. "Nella, wherever she is right now, I'm positive she's looking down right now and saying, 'That's my mommy, that's my daddy. I'm so proud of them for staying strong.'" I wrapped my arms around her, shutting my eyes. "Nella, we can try again. Once you're stronger. I want to start a family with you, and only you, and nothing will keep me from doing that, okay?" I stroked her hair gently, hugging her shaking, limp body. "I know. It's okay. Shhh..."

I shook my head, rubbing her back. "Nella, no. Stop. I would do anything for you, and I want to start a family with you more than anything. I can't even describe to you the pain I felt when that nurse told me that you had miscarried." I choked on the last word, wavering slightly. God, it was so hard to face the fact that she was gone. "I want to settle down with you. I have no problem with quitting touring, I promise. In fact, it's actually really stressful. I'd do anything to stay around with you and our baby. I could go get a job somewhere that pays well...I mean, I don't have a degree, but I could sure as hell go back to school and earn one. I'd do anything for you...that's how much I'm in love with you." I whispered the last part in her ear.

"Nella, stop it, it wasn't your fault." I choked out, holding onto her tightly. "You did nothing wrong, there was no way we could've avoided this. It was meant to happen, to make us stronger. If we try again, we'll realize how much that baby really means to us. We'll love him or her more than anything, okay? I promise. We can keep trying until we have a child. I want to start a family with you, I don't care if I have to quit touring. Fuck everything else, I just want to be with you, okay?" I gasped, squeezing her tightly.

The next few hours were terrible. There was a lot of sleeping and crying. It was fucking terrible to watch Nella be in this much pain, especially since only a month ago we were crying because we weren't ready to have a child. Now, I'd give anything to have her back. I just wanted our baby back. I couldn't bear to see Nella in this much pain, and I couldn't bear the eternal battle going on within myself.

I woke up from my third nap with Nella today. I gently lifted up the covers, being careful not to wake Nella up. I walked into the kitchen quietly, digging around in the cabinets, finding a can of chicken noodle soup. I was hungry as fuck, and I knew Nella had to be as well. I boiled some water on the stove, waiting, and poured the soupy mixture into the water. Standing there, I watched, waited for it to finish cooking. Once the timer reached one minute, I turned it off so the beeping wouldn't wake Nella. She deserved the sleep she could get after how upset she had been. I'd decided that the best two things to do right now were to both ignore her and pay as much attention to her as I could. It was quite confusing, but I managed to make it work out.

I took the pot off the stove, grabbing two bowls from the cabinet and dividing them up equally. Grabbing two cans of Mountain Dew and two bendy straws, I cracked open the cans and stuck the straws in. I walked into the living room, balancing them all and setting them on the table. Minutes later, Nella awoke. I looked over at her, smiling and rubbing her back. "I made food. You hungry?"

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella cried into his chest and held onto him tighter. She hadn't thought that she had anymore tears left in her. But, she realized, laying in Zack's arms, that no matter how much she cried, no matter how much she yelled, nothing would ever bring their little girl back. Nella missed that feeling in her stomach, the feeling of her carrying something great in her belly. A little girl- her and Zack's little girl. She could have been the next doctor that would've cured cancer, she could have followed in her dad's footsteps, she could have been something so fucking great, and now, because of her, Nella's daughter was never going to save a life, or fall in love, or start a family of her own. She was never going to know what it felt like to have a guy break her heart, or to love someone so much, like Nella loved Zack, that she would do anything for him. She wouldn't know. She died before she even had a chance to live and that's what hurt the most. "Zack." Nella whimpered, clutching onto his shirt, "I miss her. I could have done everything so much better. Fuck I didn't even fucking try. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am I didn't do everything in my power to make sure she made it out alright." She whispered, her voice cracking. "Do you think she's mad at me?" Nella asked, looking up at him, her cheeks red streaked from crying. "I don't think I'll ever get over this, Zack." Nella whispered, her lip quivering. "I can't.." She said, bowing her head and letting her hair fall in her eyes. "It hurts." She mumbled, holding her stomach.

"But you won't be happy." She whispered, "You won't be happy. I know you fucking hate desk jobs. I know that." Nella shook her head, "I wish I could take back everything. I wish we never had that fight, I wish we never got married sometimes. Because if we were still going out everything wouldn't hurt this much. We wouldn't be crying over the fact that we lost.." Nella couldn't finish her sentence, "We wouldn't be hurting like this." Nella mumbled, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I love you too.." She whispered, leaning up to kiss his cheek, "I love you too.." She mumbled, laying her head on his chest and giving his hand a slight squeeze.

Opening her eyes, Nella looked up at Zack. His broken smile, trying to act like he was fine when, really, she knew it was just for show. One of them had to be strong right? Why did it always have to be Zack? Nella hated that she could never be the one that took charge and was the strong one for once. She wished that Zack could have a break, she wished that she could have been the one in the kitchen making chicken soup for the both of them. Or whispering every so often in his ear that they would get through this together like they had everything else. It had always been Zack. Why did he have to be so fucking perfect? Why did he have to make everything look so easy? Nella wouldn't have thought of him any differently if he was right beside her still bawling his eyes out.

"You don't have to do that you know.." Nella said, sitting up and biting her lip, "You don't have to act like you're okay.." Wrapping her arms around Zack, she whispered in his ear, "I love you, you know that? I love you so much and nothing's ever going to change that."

"I'm not hungry." She admitted, blowing out a sigh and closing her eyes. Nella loved the thought that he was trying to lighten the mood and trying to get her mind off of it. But, Nella still felt sick to her stomach and she didn't think she could eat anything right now without puking it right back up. "I'm sorry." She muttered, looking up at him. "I still don't feel to good.."

Nella got up and wrapped her arms around her stomach, "I'm going to go take a shower." She muttered to Zack before climbing up the stairs. The smell of fresh paint still lingered in the house and Nella couldn't help but peer into the babies room. "This wasn't supposed to happen." She cried into the room, leaning against the door frame. "Her bed was supposed to go right over there and she would have had a little bear that she would carry around until she was seven and she would have toys all over the room that I keep yelling at her to pick up but she never does." Nella put her hand over her mouth to muffle her whimpers so Zack wouldn't get worried.

Sighing, Nella walked away from the room, closing the door behind her. Honestly if she kept it open, her and Zack would probably break down every time they walked past it, hell, they probably wouldn't even come upstairs. Walking into the bathroom, Nella stripped down out of her clothes and climbed into the warm shower. "Fuck." She whispered, leaning her head against the side of the tub, "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck." Shaking her head, she tOOK A SHOWER AND DID ALL THE SHOWER THINGS AND GOT ALL NICE AND CLEAN(dont u like my description? like A+ right)

After pulling a purple sweater and a pair of ripped jeans, Nella walked downstairs, finding Zack on the couch just finishing up his soup. Without saying a word, Nella laid back down in the same spot she had been ever since she got home last night.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

As Nella went upstairs, I chewed my lip and stuck my hand in my pocket. I traced the outline of my phone, pulling it out of my pocket and taking out the number the nurse had given to me. It was written in slow, careful and curvy handwriting in dark blue ink. I didn't think I'd be needing to use this number, but it was already obvious that I would have to. I mean, I didn't want to, and there was no way Nella would ever agree to go talk to someone, but I really felt like we both needed it right now, whether we wanted to admit it or not. It might actually be good for us to go and talk to someone, actually, it might feel good to just get all of that off of our chests.

I typed in the number slowly, hesitating before pressing the "Call button." After arguing with myself for a while, I realized that my time was limited and I might as well do it. I pressed the button, holding the phone up to my ear and listening. One ring, two rings. A female nurse picked up right on the third ring, and you could just tell by the tone of her voice that she knew I'd be calling. The nurses had probably told her all about us. I hoped we weren't being a pain or anything. We'd only been home for a few hours, but fuck, this pain was worse than I thought it would be.

I chewed my lip. "Um, hi, I'm Zachary Dickinson, my wife and I were in the intensive care unit a few hours ago because..." My voice choked up, and the nurse immediately consoled me.

"Oh, yes, I've been informed of your situation." You could almost feel her smiling through the phone. "How have things been going, Mr. Dickinson?"

I shut my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Not too great, actually, I was wondering if we could come in and speak to a grief counselor, together...it's been hitting us pretty hard, I guess."

"Oh, yes, no problem. We have a slot in about an hour, which is quite convenient." She chuckled softly. "Should I put you down for then?" I could hear her shuffling around on the other end of the line, as if she were searching for a pencil or something.

I nodded, and then hearing the awkward silence, I remembered I wasn't actually talking to her. You're on the phone, dumbass, speak up. "Yeah, that'd be nice." She then proceeded to tell me where to go, who to ask for, how early to arrive, and all of those fun details.

I hung up, hearing the shower turn off the moment I did so. I slipped the number and my phone in my pocket, sipping down my soup quickly to make it look like I'd been eating it this whole time. Bad choice. It was hot and it burnt my throat ouch. :c I shut my eyes tightly, putting the bowl down and grabbing my spoon, getting another spoonful and eating it while Nella came down the stairs. She came and laid down in her spot silently.

I looked over at her, trying to think of something, quick. "Hey...do you wanna go to the store with me? I was just thinking..." I paused. "I mean, maybe it'd be nice for us to go somewhere. It definitely beats staying inside all day."

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella looked up at Zack and shrugged her shoulders, "I guess." Sitting up, she ran her fingers through her damp hair and looked at Zack, "Just let me get my shoes." Getting up, Nella walked towards the door. All in all, She didn't even want to go out. But, she could see that Zack wanted to try every possible thing to get it off their minds and cheer them up. Anything and Nella didn't want to be difficult and make it worse on him. Slipping on her black vans, she walked back in the living room, "Okay, I'm ready." She said, giving a small smile and reaching for Zack's hand. It was the first smile she had ever since she found out about what happened to Taylor. Ever since Zack woke her up. Ever since she got in that ambulance. Nella smiled because she knew that one thing would never change about her life and that was Zack. No matter how much she complained, how much she fucked up, he was always there at the end of the day, doing everything that would make her happy, tell her how much he loved her.

"I don't even know why you put up with me sometimes." She finally said, as they got into the car. "I love you, you know that? And I always will." Leaning over the console, she gave him a light kiss and leaned her forehead against his and looked into his eyes. "I love you." She said, giving him another kiss.

Nella popped in her Mayday Parade CD as they drove, she sang along lightly to the lyrics as she looked out the window, occasionally looking over at Zack and smiling to herself. Mayday Parade always had a song for whatever you were feeling, no matter what it was, they always had a song. Nella loved the smoothness of the piano and the calm and emotion in their voices as they sang. She loved it more than anything in the world.

Looking the window, Nella scrunched her eyebrows together, "Zack you made a wrong turn, the store is back there." She said, confused. "I thought we were going shopping." Nella looked over at Zack who only bit his lip and kept driving, "You're going the wrong way." She said again, not sure if he heard her or not.

Eventually, they pulled into the hospital parking lot. As Zack parked the car, Nella grew ridged. "Why are we here?" She asked in a low tone. "I'm not going in there." She said, a sort of defiance in her voice, "I'm not going in there. I told you I didn't want help. I don't need it." Nella bit her lip and buried her face in her hands,

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I looked over at her, putting the car in park and biting my lip. I had been right; she wouldn't think she needed it at all, she wouldn't want it. I licked my lips, looking down and tapping my foot. "I just can't watch you be this sad, Nella. You're like a zombie or something." I murmured, still looking at my own feet. And honestly? It was true. All she really had done since we had gotten home was sleep, and when she woke up, she just wasn't herself. She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't smile...she really wouldn't do anything. She was still Nella, but not the Nella I knew.

After a few more seconds of silence, it was obvious she wasn't going to go in by herself. I pressed my lips together. "Listen, Nella, you can't do this. Do you know how much they charge for one of these? Two hundred fucking dollars. For that much, they've got to have something to offer us, don't you think? And if they don't, if you totally hate it, I'll never make you go back, ever again. We'll never come back to this damn place and I'll take you to dinner somewhere really expensive and we can drink fancy ass wine and stuff. Shit, I'll even slick my hair back if it'll make you laugh. But Nella, if we don't go in here, I really don't know if I'll see you laugh anytime soon if you don't go in here. It'll be good for both of us, okay?"

After a few more minutes of silence, I stepped out of the car, shutting the door behind me. Nella still sat there. I walked over to her side, and opened her door, staring down at her and chewing my lip. I grabbed her hand.

"Nella, I just want you to know that none of this was your fault, okay? And I can't tell you that, you won't believe me. I can't tell you anything, you'll think I'm trying to be nice or whatever because I love you. I just want you to see that it's gonna be okay, alright? None of this was your fault at all, and we can try again. I just can't bear to see you this sad." I chewed on my lip, staring down at her. "Please?"

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella bit her lip hard and looked down at her hands. "Zack.." She kept trying to say as he kept going on and on. Did he really feel that way? That he would never see her laugh or smile anytime soon? He didn't know what it felt like, he didn't understand what she was going through. Sure, he had lost his daughter too, but he didn't understand what she was going through. All her life Nella never felt like she was good enough, like no one would actually notice, nonetheless care, if one day, she wasn't there anymore. All it would take was handful of pills, or a cut too deep, or a rope...no one would care. But when she found out she had that baby in her tummy, when she found out that she was going to be a mom, she felt like she actually had something to look forward to in the next day. 'What would Taylor do today?' 'Maybe she'll say mommy, or take her first steps.' It made her feel like she was meant for something, bringing that beautiful baby into the world. But now, after she lost it? Nella felt like she was just lying to herself.

'Stupid Nella.' She thought to herself, shaking her head. 'You were only fooling yourself.'

Looking up at Zack, Nella saw the pleading look in his eyes. He really wanted this for her, he really thought it would help her. Nella never really thought therapy was a good thing. All they wanted to do was tell you that you were crazy and lock you up in some physicist home when all you really wanted was someone to give you a hug(u kNWO WHAT i"M tKAIng ABout 'THErPAHY')and tell you that it was going to be okay.

This time, all that counselor would say, 'It wasn't your fault' 'it was meant to happen' 'you couldn't prevent it. But saying those things wouldn't make her feel any better, Zack even had tried saying them to her. Zack could always make her happy and change her mood but not this time.

"Zack.." She said, looking up at him. Nella didn't want anything else in the whole world but to say no right then and there. But the look in his eyes, she couldn't say no. "God dammit, Zack.." Nella said, getting out of the car. "What's this counselor going to tell me that I haven't heard already? What's she going to do that's going to make me feel better about losing our baby? It's not like she can bring her back." Nella shook her head and closed the door. She knew she was being harsh and that he was only trying to help her, but, Nella didn't want help.

Nella followed Zack into the building, she got shivers as she slipped through the sliding doors. Nella hated hospitals. She always did. That night with Christian, that time with Storm, and now, last night. She hated hospitals.

As Zack went up to the desk clerk to check on their appointment, Nella sat down and started playing with the hem of her sweater. Even though she absolutely hated the thought of going to therapy, she didn't want to upset Zack anymore. God dammit, he had done so much for her and all she had done was give him problem after problem after problem. She had no idea how he didn't give up on her already. It was a weird feeling having someone stick with her for this long.

When he settled down next to her, Nella looked over at him, "Sorry for blowing up at you.." She mumbled, looking down and playing with her hem. "I just...I don't know what she can do for us that can change the way I feel." Nella bit her lip and took Zack's hand in hers.

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I went up to the desk and reviewed the information with the clerk, the same one that had been on the phone with me almost an hour ago. I could tell by the way her voice fell an octave lower than it should have, the way she looked at me (and it wasn't a good way). She sounded nice on the phone. Maybe she had taken a sudden hate for me after realizing how young I actually was. Maybe she thought I was too young. But she didn't know Nella and I. She had no idea what we had been through, what we had gone through together and yet we were still here somehow. Sometimes I even asked myself how we had managed to stick through this so long, and, to be honest, I couldn't answer that question for myself. All I knew is that what Nella and I had was something nobody else really had. It was something we couldn't see, but we knew it was there; and maybe that was the best part of it. ((OMFG IM SORRY IM GETTING SO CHEESY HERE WOW))

I walked back towards her, sitting down in a chair next to hers and looked over. "I don't either, but we've just gotta trust her, okay? We can at least try." I kissed her forehead softly, taking her hand and playing with her fingers while we waited for the counselor to come out. She took ages, but we made good use of the time by talking and people watching.

After almost a half an hour, a woman came out carrying a clipboard. Judging by her looks, she had to be at least thirty. She had straight, long black hair and round glasses, wearing a lavender top and a pair of black dress pants. She looked down at her clipboard, then up again, and called out, "Dickinson?" looking around.

I stood up. "That's us." She walked towards us, giving us a friendly smile.

"Hi, I'm Doctor ((IDK SOMETHING OR ANOTHE R))." She shook my hand, and then proceeded to shake Nella's.

"I'm Zack, and this is my wife Nella." I chewed on my lip.

"Hello there." She smiled that same creepy smile. "Why don't we head back to my office?" I nodded, taking Nella's hand. We walked through skinny corridors, dimly lit, until we came upon a small office in the back. It held a small working desk with a computer, a couch and two chairs, as well as a small table with a box of tissues in the middle. There was a window that overlooked the streets below, but the best view you could really get if you looked out the window was one of a brick wall. She had a few green, leafy plants dangling from the ceilings as well as a fish tank perched up upon her desk. All in all, it was the happiest and yet the saddest environment I'd ever seen.

"So," she said, sitting down, "From what my papers say here, it says you two have lost a child." She looked up with false sympathy. "How've you guys been coping with that so far?"

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella balanced her head on her fist and closed her eyes. Honestly, that question was down right fucking stupid. "We wouldn't be here if we were coping well with it." She said, harshly. Zack looked over at her and bit his lip, but he knew that Nella didn't even want to be here. She had managed to avoid a therapists office her whole life until today. Until the day Zack dragged her into this ladies office. All in all, Nella kind of felt betrayed (omg I couldn't think of another word) and a little mad that he would do this to her to soon. But the only reason she went along with it because of the pleading look he had in his eyes when he asked her to get out of the car. He honestly thought she wasn't going to get better on her own, and it was scaring him that he would never get his Nella back. The least she could do was not let him worry about her like that, but, she wasn't going to act like she was enjoying this.

After her answer, the doctor didn't seemed fazed at all. In fact, she looked a little bored. After all, she looked pretty old. She probably had patience's like her and Zack all the time.

"Well," She said, folding her hands in front of her on the desk, "Tell me about it."

Nella had repeated how she felt over and over again, and if she got into it and really started talking about it, she knew she'd burst into tears again. Looking over at Zack, she raised an eyebrow mouthing 'No' he gave her that same pleading look again and gave her a hand a light squeeze.

"I just miss her, alright? I admit, when I found out I was pregnant three months ago I was scared out of my mind and I didn't even want to be having a kid. I didn't want to be a mother- I wasn't ready. But as time passed, I started to accept the idea and I got really excited. I got excited about what she would look like, what she would act like, who she would grow up to be and everything." Nella smiled at her memories, seeing her little girl following in Zack's footsteps. "I was nervous when I was pregnant with her, though."Nella admitted, biting her lip and looking down at her hands. "I wasn't eating right. I was afraid that I would eat the wrong things and it wouldn't be healthy for her.." Nella ducked her head and wiped a few tears that had found their way out of her eyes, "But In never thought I would lose her." Her voice cracked and she bit her lip again, "I feel so guilty that it's all my fault and.." Nella started wiping her tears, "I'm sorry." She whispered over to Zack, "I'm sorry.." Reaching over she pulled Zack into her arms and buried her face in his chest. Nella kept on whimpering I'm sorry in his shirt.

After getting a hold of her emotions again, Nella looked up at the doctor, her face, for once, looked like it was actually showing some emotion for once. But it was probably all for show.

"I just, I feel this over whelming guilt that if I had eaten right, if I took care of myself, she would still be here that we wouldn't be here right now.We'd be out shopping for baby clothes, or at home figuring out a name for her." Nella shook her head, "I wish I could take it back."

After about an hour talking to the doctor, and a few consoling words later, Nella and Zack were finally leaving. She had almost cried the whole time. Zack was probably so tired of seeing her cry already, and frankly, Nella was tied of crying herself.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, giving Zack's a squeeze as they walked out of the building, "I gotta stop breaking down like that." She said, giving a small smile.

[justify]

[ofmiceandbrynne]

It had been a month or two since Nella and I had lost Taylor, but honestly, I'd lost track. This is the realization I came to as I woke up next to Nella. I unlocked my phone, sitting up, careful not to wake up Nella. Not much had been going on lately. Nella and I still thought about the baby occasionally, but it was really something that we didn't like to think about. The door to the room was always closed, and when she was brought up...it was just an extremely touchy topic. It brought on tears, mostly. But for the most part, we had gotten over the days of sitting in bed all day and sobbing. We'd regained hope. Lately, we'd been trying to start a family again, but as of late it just hadn't happened. We still wanted to begin a family together, even though I wasn't sure if we would be ready if we lost them again. Honestly, I guess that was a risk we were prepared to take.

I sighed, looking over at Nella. As much as I hated the idea of thinking about what it would've been like if Taylor were here...I could just imagine her little feet pitter-pattering across the floor on hot, summer days, dripping red popsicle all over the carpet. I could imagine her running into our room on Christmas morning, sitting on me like Nella would when she couldn't get her way. I could imagine her learning how to ride her first bike, learning to write in cursive, and bringing home her first boyfriend. Those times when I thought about what we could have had, but lost, made me want kids even more.

I got out of bed, walking into the bathroom slowly and turning on the shower. I took off my pants, running my fingers through my hair and climbing into the steamy water. I rinsed myself off, letting the hot water stream through my beautiful brown locks of beauty. Then I stood there and did shower stuff because idk what else to write here YOLO

Once I was finished, I got out, grabbing a towel from the closet and wrapping it around my waist. Deciding not to wake Nella up, I didn't take out my hairdryer, but instead dried it using my towel alone. Not necessarily what I would've wanted to do but y'know we're married and that's what married people do because they love each other and stuff.

I put my towel on the rack and grabbed a change of clothes, slipping into them and walking back into our room. I looked over and saw Nella, now awake. I hoped I hadn't waken her. I smiled, crawling on the bed next to her. I ruffled her hair and kissed her forehead. "Morning, babe." I murmured.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

{thIS giF mAke ME hAPPy SHu tU]

Nella opened her eyes, smiling as Zack laid down next to her. "Hey." She muttered, hooking her arm around his waist and pulling him closer to her.

The first time they had visited that grief counselor hadn't been the last. Nella and Zack had gone back a couple of other times, each one resulting in tears and a load off of their chests. Even though she was scared shitless of therapists and she didn't trust them at all, with Zack by her side, she knew that it would be okay, that he wouldn't let anything happen to her and that he was only doing it to help her. Even though it still hurt her to think about Taylor, the urge she got to open her door every time she walked by to see that the last four months hadn't been a dream and she was sleeping soundly in her crib, she wasn't that sad anymore. Sure, she wished like hell that she was laying in her arms smiling up at her and Zack, making those cute goo noises that all babies do, but she wasn't sad about it anymore. Taylor was in a better place after all.

"We should do something fun today." Nella said looking down with a smile, "It's our anniversary today, ya know. We should do something special." Nella bit he lip and leaned over to give him a kiss, "Our first anniversary, I donno, I'm usually not into those kinds of things but this seems kinda...special. After everything that happened, I think we need a little fun."

Getting out of bed, Nella pulled her hair into a quick ponytail, "We can go to a fancy dinner, or have a picnic on the beach or something, I don't know, anything. As long as I'm with you it'll be perfect(i'm che e sey ik u r we l cmoem)." She walked over to Zack and laced her arms around his neck, "You don't even have to dress up nice in a suit and a tie if you don't want to. You can wear a pair of sweats and a T-shirt for all I care. I just want to do something special with you. Or maybe we can just curl up on the couch and watch a horror movie or two like we used to." Nella bit her lip and stood up on her tip-toes to give him a kiss.

Nella walked into the bathroom, leaving the door open a crack as she stripped down out of her clothes and took a quick shower. "Kiss me again, underneath the moonlight, you're more than a friend, I knew it from the first sight, oh." Nella bit her lip and hummed the tune of the song to herself. She had been working on the lyrics to a song about meeting Zack, the first time she saw him in the diner, hanging out with him, and eventually going on their first date. They knew from the first sight that they were going to have something, there was just a spark. But neither of them knew it was going to last this long and honestly, Nella was happy that it did. If it wasn't for Zack, she wouldn't be where she was today, she wouldn't have even made it this far.

Getting out of the shower, Nella dried off and pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans and a glamor kills shirt. "So what do you want to do? It's your choice, it doesn't matter to me."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

I looked up at Nella as she came down the stairs, smiling. "I thought that maybe we could go to the park, and sit in that big grassy field. We can pack a lunch and bring a blanket and everything." I smiled crookedly. "Oh, and I can bring my guitar and play for you, or maybe even teach you if you want." I shrugged. Grabbing my jacket, I slipped it over my shoulders and headed into the kitchen. I made a few sandwiches, putting them into a bag. I threw a bag of chips and some sodas in, and then going into the living room and grabbing my guitar as well. I looked around, making sure I had everything. I slipped on my shoes and took Nella's hand, closing the door behind me and walking out to the car.

I put the stuff into the backseat, opening the seat to the driver's side and getting in. I put the key in the ignition, driving over to the park and listening to Pierce the Veil with Nella. We got to the park after about ten minutes.

I got out of the car, opening the door to the backseat and taking out the bag with the food and my guitar, along with the blanket. I grabbed Nella's hand, squeezing it. I smiled at her, kissing her forehead. We walked past the swingsets and the playground and out into a grassy, open field toward the back of the park. I took out the blanket, spreading it out and putting the things down. I sat down, and Nella did too. I smiled, putting my arm around her and hugging her tightly. "I love you, okay? Don't forget that."

I released her, picking up my guitar and strumming it. I looked up at her. "Do you want me to teach you how to play?" I chewed on my lip.

[bokangavemeabeauner]

Nella smiled, leaning over to give him a kiss. Leaning her forehead against Zack's, she looked into his eyes with a smile. "I love you too, forever and always, right?" She asked, biting her lip and leaning in for another kiss.

With a smile, Nella scooted over to Zack, "Yeah sure, why not. It'll be fun." She said, biting her lip. Zack put her arms around her and placed the guitar in their laps(omg isn't that so cute. I alway s want e d a gu y t o do that su th up thi is my fan t asy). Even though he'd wrapped his arms around her like this a million and one times before, that they had been together forever and this was nothing new, Nella still felt a warm blush flower on her cheeks and she smiled as he took her hands in his and placed them on the guitar.

"Ready?" He asked, leaning his head around so he could see her face. Nella nodded and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "Mhm." Ever since she was little she always wanted to learn how to play guitar. But she never had the money for lessons or the motivation to self-teach herself either.

After learning a few cords, they decided to give it a break and have something to eat. "Gosh Zack." Nella said, biting into her sandwich, "I didn't think you were capable of making anything except bacon." She said, jokingly and giving him a playful wink. "They're really good, I'm just kidding." Nella said, giving a smile and taking another bite of her sandwich.

They finished a sandwich or two, Nella moved closer to Zack and tackled him to the ground. "Hi." She said, placing her legs on both sides of him and her hands right behind his shoulders and his head. Leaning down, she gave him a kiss and tangled her fingers in his brown locks with a moan of content. "I love you so much, you know that?" She asked, pulling away and leaning her forehead against his. "Why are you so god damn perfect, like honestly. You're everything to me." Nella bit her lip and kissed him again, "I could honestly just lay here with you all day, even if we weren't talking at all. Just hold your hand in the grass. As long as I'm with you, I don't need anything special. The only thing in the whole world I could ever ask for is in my arms and you're all I'll ever need." Nella whispered, kissing him again.

Biting her lip, Nella laid her head on his chest and listened to the soft sound of his heart beat. "I just love you so much. I don't even know how it's possible. All I have to do is think about you and I get this huge goofy grin on my face and all I can do is smile. And when you're away from you, god dammit, it's literally the worst feeling in the world to be away from you, you know that?" Nella sighed and took Zack's hand in her's, "Hey, can I sing you something?" She asked, opening her eyes and looking at him. "I started writing it a while back and, I donno, I think you'll like it."

Laying her head back down on Zack's chest, he gave his hand a little squeeze before she started singing;

"I gotta say something I've been thinking about.
I can't wait to lay around with you.
And tell you all the secrets I've been keeping to myself.
It's been awhile since I've felt butterflies.
Do you feel the same way too?
If every single second could last that much longer.
Would you hold me?"

Looking up at him, just to make sure she wasn't totally embarrassing herself, she saw a smile on his face, like he was proud of her and honestly she could feel the butterflies going nuts in her belly.

"And kiss me again underneath the moonlight.
You're more than a friend, oh.
I knew it from the first sight, yeah.
Hold me, feel my heart beat.
Put your arms around me.
And kiss me again.
And kiss me again.

I gotta say I wasn't expecting you
To come this way and fall into my arms.
And now I know I can't deny this feeling any longer.
I close my eyes, I can't stop thinking about you.
Crack a smile, I just can't lose.
At a mile a minute my heart beats to the limit when I'm with you.

So, kiss me again underneath the moonlight.
You're more than a friend, oh.
I knew it from the first sight, yeah.
Hold me, feel my heart beat.
Put your arms around me.
And kiss me again.

I can't let you go, can't let you float away.
'Cause that would be a mistake.
I'm not ready to run, can't let you go to waste.
No, no, no, no.

And kiss me again underneath the moonlight.
You're more than a friend, oh.
I knew it from the first sight, yeah.
Hold me, feel my heart beat.
Put your arms around me.
Hold me, feel my heart beat.
And put your arms around.
And kiss me again, and again, and again.
Oh, kiss me again."

[ofmiceandbrynne]

After Nella finished singing, I looked up at her in shock. "Holy shit Nella, you have a really pretty voice. I loved it." I put my arms around her, pulling her onto my lap and kissing her lightly, running my fingers through her hair. I pulled away, pressing my forehead against hers and looking into her eyes. I chuckled, and kissed her again, hugging her close to me. It just felt so right being with her. It felt so right knowing that she was mine, and only mine. And I knew it would always be that way, through thick and thin.

We sat there in that grassy field for a few hours, talking, laughing, playing music. We stayed there together until the sky started to darken, and then we began to pack up. I put the leftovers in the bag, folding up the blanket and grabbing it as well as my guitar. I put my arm around Nella as we headed back to the car, shrinking down to kiss her cheek every so often. Once we got to the car, I put the things in the back, and climbed into the driver's seat.

I drove back towards the house, stopping at 7-11 once we were headed back towards the house. I looked over and Nella and said, "I'm getting a Slurpee. You should get one too because you should." I nodded, getting out of the car and then heading over to her side and opening the door for her. We walked into the store, where I got a Slurpee and filled it with every color they had available, just like I always did. Then I went and got a ton of candy from the candy aisle with Nella.

We walked to the checkout counter, getting our stuff and then heading back out to the car. I drove back to the house, unlocking the door and walking back in and turning on the lights. I walked into the living room, sitting on the couch and opening up my arms so Nella could sit in my lap. I smiled. "Do you want to watch a movie or something? You can pick what we watch. Or we can just cuddle, or something else. Whatever you want."


~~~~~~

I opened my eyes at the burst of sunlight in my eyes, wincing. I looked down in my arms, where Nella was still asleep. Last night, we had just ended up sitting together on the couch and watching a movie, along with quite a lot of kisses. All in all, our one year anniversary had been quite simple, but...nice. That was how I liked it, and I hoped Nella did, too. I just hoped everything I did was okay, and it made Nella happy, because honestly, that's what I loved most. Seeing that pretty smile on her face, or hearing her adorable laugh when I did something stupid was like a drug to me.

I unlocked my phone, chewing my lip and looking at my phone. I'd been off tour for a while now to take care of Nella, but I was due to go back in just a few days. I had taken off almost the whole year originally to take care of Nella and Taylor, but...after the situation, Nella told me it would be best if I went back on tour so I could be doing what I loved. It was a long awaited tour, and we were all excited, since I had taken a long absence to take care of Nella. Hopefully nothing would come up (hinT HINT) that I'd have to cancel once again...having to do that might even result in our band breaking up. I mean, as much as I didn't want that to happen, Nella always came first, no matter what. I would feel bad leaving her once again, but I was more so used to it by now. But still, it hurt not being able to have her there with me. Maybe one day she could come with me.

Nella stirred in my arms, and I looked down, smiling at her. "Good morning." I whispered, ruffling her hair.

[Sponsored content]