Does anyone wanna read my story???

[Kat]

I have 59 pages so far!!!

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Chapter One - Night Out - Pages one through three

I woke with a start as lightning stuck the alley that tonight was my home. Screaming, I clung to my dog's matted hair. She whimpered so I put on a brave face.
"It's okay Lilly. We'll be outta here in the morning." Lilly was my only friend back then. I heard footsteps approaching so I cowered into a corner, hoping whoever it was wouldn't see me. Apparently, I didn't hide myself well enough.
"Oh dear!" exclaimed a woman's voice, "Look at the poor things, Tom!" She pointed at me and my dirt-covered dog. The man, Tom, nodded to the woman with a blank expression.
"Yes Steph."" he told her. He was tall and thin with curly brown hair and green eyes. Tom seemed like the kind of guy who didn't care much about his wife, just money.
The woman, who's name I guessed was Stephanie, approached me. Being un-socialized since the age of eleven, I bared my teeth like a rabid cat and clung to Lilly even more.
"Don't worry dear." Stephanie walked closer to me.
"I don't want your sympathy." I snarled. She backed up a step and I glared at her. "Excellent choice."
Then Tom spoke,
"Child, how old are you?" I then turned my glare to him. Surely my father had stopped looking for me by now but I was still reluctant to tell many people my name out age.
"Okay, what's your name?" He questioned.
"Not telling you." I snapped. He glared back at me so I lied, "My name is Bella." Stephanie smiled. So one out of two believed my lies.
"See? That wasn't so bad." The bleach blonde said. Tom still seemed unsure. He nodded at Stephanie. I rose to my feet and brushed dirt off my jeans. When I patted my thighs Lilly stood as well.
"Good girl." I praised. I waved my hand in dismissal and kept walking. I hadn't realized it but it was almost dawn. When a blue Chevy Tahoe drove by me I ducked inside a 7/11. It had looked almost exactly like my dad's car. I sighed in relief when it was gone and slumped down against a wall.
"Ma'am?" Asked the low voice of a teenage boy. I looked up and saw him. he had shaggy blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. His body was long and thin.
"Oh... Errr.... Sorry." I got up slowly and cautiously. He smiled at me in a friendly way.
"No problem ma'am." He said is a southern accent.I smiled sarcastically and walked towards the bathroom. I shut the creaky metal door and pulled a small comb out of the backpack I carried around. After brushing the mats out of my hair and washing my face I walked out of the bathroom and to the counter with a bag of Doritos I snatched off a shelf on my way by. He smiled and handed me the bag after scanning it.
"Your total comes to two dollars and seventy eight cents." I handed him three ones and he gave me my change.
"Thanks." I mumbled as I was walking out of the gas station. Lilly was waiting for me by the door. We walked away and I glanced back at the boy. Somehow, even being only seventeen I knew me and the boy would soon meet up again.

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Please post your comments. :)

[Fire-Wolf]

cool

[Kat]

Do you think it's very good???

[Zar-the-5th-Beatle]

Awesome story Sadie!

[Fire-Wolf]

it is Amazing

[Kat]

Yay!!

[Guest]

/ish critiquing!/

Okay, good storyline, but here's the thing. If your trying to make it more of an action book you have got to add DETAIL. That's what I'm constantly telling people, DETAIL DETAIL DETAIL. Even if it's not supposed to be action. And when you describe Tom, here's a thing to make it better, if you say what he looks like while he's in action, like instead of putting 'Sarah has brown hair' you could put 'Sarah tied her brown hair back into a loose bun' Or, to show action and what the person looks like. I think that there should be less daialoge and more of what your main character is thinking of the people. I didn't understand the part where you put how she wouldn't give out her name because she though her father was looking for her. Or something like that. I think it came to early too, because he didn't ask for her name. And if your making the character homeless, she sould not talk so proper I think, it all depends on how long the character has been homeless. And, it should be kinda pass-tense but not fully, no 'I had said' or anything, just don't put 'He press my face against the glass' you should put, 'He pressed my face against the glass' I know kot the best example. And, here's one thing. You absolutely have to describe your main character right away, but do it in action. And you have to write down exactly what each character looks like, or you'll forget! Ha.

[Kat]

Wow Converse! Thanks so much for your input!!!

[Guest]

Wow Converse! Thanks so much for your input!!!

Your schmelcome! Oh, and here's a better example of past tense, because that one was not good -_- okay, instead of putting "He looks into the window" you would put "He looked into the window" c? BETTA! :-P

[Kat]

Hehehe!!!

[Guest]

:-P

I have a book up, and a new RP

[RiseAbove]

I agree with Con on adding more details. Details are a big part of good writing. You could maybe have your main character explain her past in flashback form, but it's just a suggestion.

There are some grammar and punctuation errors, but grammar isn't all that important at the moment.

"I don't want your sympathy." I snarled. She backed up a step and I glared at her. "Excellent choice."

I get the mood that your character thinks that she is far superior than the adults? If you want to keep it realistic, adults are not all that [stupid? I don't have the word that I'm looking for]. Usually, adults are not going to put up with cocky children, no matter where they are. Tom is more realistic in his reaction to the main character's response, but Stephanie's personality seems a little too exaggerated to me. I don't suggest that you change your main character's personality, but it might be a good idea if you consider the response that she'll get from others.

Hope I didn't go on too much. You're a great writer, Silence. Keep writing! :D

[Kat]

Thanks for all of your input! I left the the notebook I'm writing the story in at school in that black hole that some people call a "desk." Oh noez!!!! Now I dunno where it went. Poop.

[Guest]

That is very good. is your character homeless?

[Kat]

Yes. And thanks! Tell your friends about my story!

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